Its that question I'm always afraid to Ask other Foster Parents....
Do You Think it was Worth It? .....
As I look at my life today... it was a struggle to just get through the day. I felt so overwhelmed. Its the constant chaos that comes with a family of our dynamics. Older kids with ADHD that keep the little ones way more wound up than necessary. Constant commotion in a hectic day where nothing at all seemed to go right! And then when I showed my own frustration... Panic attacks and hysterics from a teenager. I instantly felt angry. Why was it they could have a melt down any old time over just about anything... But after weeks of one thing after another being broken or just craziness ... when I have finally reached the end of my rope.. I get the slightest bit cranky and they are defensive and I am made to feel horrible for lashing out at them in the slightest. And I didn't even YELL... I was just irritated. No I wasn't pleasant ... I'm not Marry Poppins for crying out loud.
Its days like today i start to question myself.. Did I even make the right decision. What if I had just accepted my life in a simpler format. What would it have been like. Wouldn't things be way less complicated. And less financially stressful. What if I had just focused on me and improving my situation... what fun experiences would I have rather than broken down washing machines ... busted book shelves and stained carpets.
But Instead of second Guesses ...I'll close my eyes... pray for sleep that might actually leave me feeling rested and try to focus on the second chances we give when we look beyond ourselves.
Its way past late... and I"m the kind of tired that sleep doesn't even fix. So off to bed.. In hopes of a brighter... less complicated... Hoping for any sense of normalcy Kind of day tomorrow.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
The Darkness Comes
Its late well after midnight and the whole world seems still. The blog has been on my mind a lot recently. I started it so long ago with hopes of making it so much more.... But Life in its business keeps me distracted. Or maybe I keep myself distracted.
I am sitting here in near darkness; the brightest light coming from my laptop. The silence in the house is almost deafening. It feel like it is a dangerous time. Just me and my thoughts. Its never just me.... Perhaps I like it that way. It may be that I avoid the quiet reflection to much. Every night as I try to rest my weary everything it is overwhelming to me. This may very well be were the insomnia comes from. I feel like my heart breaks a little everyday. For the children I have loved that are now gone from me. For the Children I am raising.. For the Mothers that lost so much as I gained.
My son's mother recently made a public statement about how far she had come. How shortly after he was born she was in such a dark place. She didn't care for herself... wither she lived or died. She only cared about the next high ... She now is raising a beautiful daughter and working on being reunited with another. I am proud of her. I really am. But my heart breaks at the same time. I look at my son, who I have had the privilege of raising since he was just a couple weeks old. And I realize the tragedy that is the reality of his life.
Luckily for this Amazing young man he is yet unaware of these truths. I have no idea how long I will be able to shield him from it. Some day it will start pouring out; bit by bit. And once it does how much innocence will be lost? There are times when I just wish I could shield him away from it all. Keep him from knowing the truth. I understand why so much in the past people pushed for closed adoptions and didn't want to know. They didn't want to face the dark ... But every night for me the darkness comes. In the Quiet Stillness of every sleepless night. The darkness comes... And I am left alone with the Tragedy of my Children's Lives.
I am sitting here in near darkness; the brightest light coming from my laptop. The silence in the house is almost deafening. It feel like it is a dangerous time. Just me and my thoughts. Its never just me.... Perhaps I like it that way. It may be that I avoid the quiet reflection to much. Every night as I try to rest my weary everything it is overwhelming to me. This may very well be were the insomnia comes from. I feel like my heart breaks a little everyday. For the children I have loved that are now gone from me. For the Children I am raising.. For the Mothers that lost so much as I gained.
My son's mother recently made a public statement about how far she had come. How shortly after he was born she was in such a dark place. She didn't care for herself... wither she lived or died. She only cared about the next high ... She now is raising a beautiful daughter and working on being reunited with another. I am proud of her. I really am. But my heart breaks at the same time. I look at my son, who I have had the privilege of raising since he was just a couple weeks old. And I realize the tragedy that is the reality of his life.
Luckily for this Amazing young man he is yet unaware of these truths. I have no idea how long I will be able to shield him from it. Some day it will start pouring out; bit by bit. And once it does how much innocence will be lost? There are times when I just wish I could shield him away from it all. Keep him from knowing the truth. I understand why so much in the past people pushed for closed adoptions and didn't want to know. They didn't want to face the dark ... But every night for me the darkness comes. In the Quiet Stillness of every sleepless night. The darkness comes... And I am left alone with the Tragedy of my Children's Lives.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Learning to Dance in the Rain
It has been just over 7 months since I last posted. I have looked at this blog many times in those 7 months. I have thought about it... What would I say? How would I say it? And Although I have been living my life fairly well ... going on .... Looking back and facing the Harsh Reality that my biggest fear the one that always lingered in the back of my mind as worst case scenario became the truth that I never wanted to face. The truth is I lost my Son ... this little person I brought home... I loved... was his near constant companion and he mine.... I loved him more than life itself.... I loved him as if he was truly mine and the harshest reality is he was never truly mine.
So much has happened in the past 7 months. I mentioned in my last post that all the kids were leaving... even my daughter went on Vacation. The silence in the house was so loud I could barely stand it at times. We went back and forth about if we would continue. Was it time to give up our dream of growing our family. Was the damage we had sustained to much to repair? And then I thought of the kids that we foster. Were they damaged beyond repair. I would never think that of them... the circumstances that bring them to us are not their fault. They are innocent of wrong doing. They are victims of the actions of others. They were damaged yes.... troubled in their hearts. There is nothing that I can give or say or do to erase that. But I would never say that it wasn't worth trying to give them some peace ... some hope... I can not change the past for them... I can not change the past for me and my family. I can only decide how It defines me now. And So we took another placement. 1st an infant boy... Thought to be a possible Adoptive placement that turned quickly into an ICPC (interstate transfer)... and So we wait for his transfer which takes approx. 6 months.
Then a few months ago we decided to look at an older sibling set. I have a special place in my heart for older kids who face the possibility of being split up. We received the call about a set of sisters the older 16 almost 17 and a little sister who was 9. Most foster homes who take Elementary school age kids are not open to High School Teens; and so the girls Attorney had spoken with the older girl and asked if she would be willing to separate from her sister in order to give her a better chance at finding a good foster home. (They had been allowed to live with a friend but that hadn't worked out and the girls had to be suddenly brought into the Shelter) At first my natural reaction was that of most... Ooooh.. Probably not a teen. But I couldn't get them off my mind and I was glad I started asking all the right questions. These girls had been through enough ... they didn't need to be separated too. And so they came to be with us. In the past few months they have definitely challenged us.. But many of you will be surprised to know it is the 9 year old that is our challenge.
Lastly when they thought the transfer was almost done(they estimated this back in November) they called us with a new infant placement. A 3 month old girl. The case plan indicates it "may" lead towards adoption. The family has some special needs and a supervisor at the Department who knew me thought we would be a great match. This placement is going well and here we are in January and the transfer still isn't done so we are busier than ever with 2 babies until the 1st little boy leaves. Now they are saying next month (they think)!
And so my house is full .... and my life is full... I wish I could say that my heart is full too... But there is an emptiness that still lingers. I miss him... I miss him every minute of every day... But I have prayed for peace and it has come. It doesn't take a way the fact that I miss him. With time it has gotten easier... But I will forever be different. I honestly don't really know what I'm doing yet! I am just continuing what I know. I know that there are children who are out there... Feeling lost ... and Scared and Unsure. I know what it is like to feel those things. I do not know if I am doing all the right things. My daughter is still grieving her brother and we talk lots about him... but she loves having all these girls around too. Its a tricky Balancing act. But for Now I am following my heart. I am doing the best I can. I am moving forward because I believe my son would not have wanted me to quit and sit around in a quiet empty lonely house. And So I fill it with children.... and I am giving all the love I wish I could give to him to them because I hope somewhere .. someone is loving him just as much as I would.
I have spent many hours thinking of him ... I have cried the tears of a mother. I have been Angry.. I have been Sad.... I have been overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. But there is one thing I always knew and that was I could not let it consume me or let the loss define who I was.. and So I made an important decision... There is no way to control the Storms that will come...So you just have to learn to Dance in the Rain.
So much has happened in the past 7 months. I mentioned in my last post that all the kids were leaving... even my daughter went on Vacation. The silence in the house was so loud I could barely stand it at times. We went back and forth about if we would continue. Was it time to give up our dream of growing our family. Was the damage we had sustained to much to repair? And then I thought of the kids that we foster. Were they damaged beyond repair. I would never think that of them... the circumstances that bring them to us are not their fault. They are innocent of wrong doing. They are victims of the actions of others. They were damaged yes.... troubled in their hearts. There is nothing that I can give or say or do to erase that. But I would never say that it wasn't worth trying to give them some peace ... some hope... I can not change the past for them... I can not change the past for me and my family. I can only decide how It defines me now. And So we took another placement. 1st an infant boy... Thought to be a possible Adoptive placement that turned quickly into an ICPC (interstate transfer)... and So we wait for his transfer which takes approx. 6 months.
Then a few months ago we decided to look at an older sibling set. I have a special place in my heart for older kids who face the possibility of being split up. We received the call about a set of sisters the older 16 almost 17 and a little sister who was 9. Most foster homes who take Elementary school age kids are not open to High School Teens; and so the girls Attorney had spoken with the older girl and asked if she would be willing to separate from her sister in order to give her a better chance at finding a good foster home. (They had been allowed to live with a friend but that hadn't worked out and the girls had to be suddenly brought into the Shelter) At first my natural reaction was that of most... Ooooh.. Probably not a teen. But I couldn't get them off my mind and I was glad I started asking all the right questions. These girls had been through enough ... they didn't need to be separated too. And so they came to be with us. In the past few months they have definitely challenged us.. But many of you will be surprised to know it is the 9 year old that is our challenge.
Lastly when they thought the transfer was almost done(they estimated this back in November) they called us with a new infant placement. A 3 month old girl. The case plan indicates it "may" lead towards adoption. The family has some special needs and a supervisor at the Department who knew me thought we would be a great match. This placement is going well and here we are in January and the transfer still isn't done so we are busier than ever with 2 babies until the 1st little boy leaves. Now they are saying next month (they think)!
And so my house is full .... and my life is full... I wish I could say that my heart is full too... But there is an emptiness that still lingers. I miss him... I miss him every minute of every day... But I have prayed for peace and it has come. It doesn't take a way the fact that I miss him. With time it has gotten easier... But I will forever be different. I honestly don't really know what I'm doing yet! I am just continuing what I know. I know that there are children who are out there... Feeling lost ... and Scared and Unsure. I know what it is like to feel those things. I do not know if I am doing all the right things. My daughter is still grieving her brother and we talk lots about him... but she loves having all these girls around too. Its a tricky Balancing act. But for Now I am following my heart. I am doing the best I can. I am moving forward because I believe my son would not have wanted me to quit and sit around in a quiet empty lonely house. And So I fill it with children.... and I am giving all the love I wish I could give to him to them because I hope somewhere .. someone is loving him just as much as I would.
I have spent many hours thinking of him ... I have cried the tears of a mother. I have been Angry.. I have been Sad.... I have been overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. But there is one thing I always knew and that was I could not let it consume me or let the loss define who I was.. and So I made an important decision... There is no way to control the Storms that will come...So you just have to learn to Dance in the Rain.
Life with Girls
I realized I wrote this over 2 years ago and I never published it ..... the infant boy never left and we adopted him I have so much catching up to do but I'm not sure that will ever happen so I think I better just start from today and try and move forward
An infant boy who's mother declared her intent to put him up for adoption. He was placed in an adoptive home through an agency; but she never signed the paperwork and the little boy had to come into foster care. He was with us only a week when we found out he had a half sibling in another state with relatives (of the brother) They had expressed an interest in the baby but no decisions had been made. A couple weeks later the Judge approved them to start the process of and interstate adoption plan. 6 months later we are still waiting for that process to be complete. And so I have fostered and loved a little boy who will never be mine. The difference is this time I was prepared. I have had the amazing opportunity to work with the family out of state who is raising the brother. They are not related biologically to this little one but they are related to his brother. They have raised him for the past nearly 8 years and have done a wonderful Job. It helps that they are very appreciative of the efforts we have given. They are excited to include us as "extended family" and have become wonderful friends. We text, we call, we Skype, we have even had the opportunity to visit. We are working together to try and co parent this little one while we await the transfer and I hope he will benefit because of it. We are even planning a trip next Summer to attend his 1st birthday party.
I know only a little bit of what these girls were exposed to or suffered... and it was enough. I'm not sure I want to know the details. The older girl has chosen No contact with her Mother and has No desire to return. The case plan lasts until after her 18th birthday and So she will become and Adult here in foster care and then move on to independence.
Our teen daughter told me one day "Every day I wake up here I pray that this isn't just a dream and that this is all real... My life is so much better now... But then I realize that My Mom probably wakes up everyday and prays that this is all just a bad dream ... and it make me feel Sad" She recognizes and talks to us about how unfair it all is... that these bad things never should have happened. She is sad that No one ever came to save her before... and she is glad to finally be in a place where she says she feels safe and has Hope. She is learning to be a Teen and is a good one. She is making good friends, making good decisions and learning how to do "school" Although she is technically a Junior she had only 4 high school classes she had completed (about 1/2 a semesters worth) But we have her enrolled in one of the best High Schools around and she is doing well. She passed all her classes this semester and we have a plan to get her graduated.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Day 6
It has been 6 days since I lost my son.....
It all seems so strange... It doesn't quite make sense. I packed up his things he would be taking with him... What do I send? They don't seem really that interested in things from us. I sent his favorite toys in a box. His rocking horse and basketball hoop where the large items.... A box of clothes, the last of the package of diapers, His toothbrush. That was the Sum of it.. Two boxes ... representing the first two years of his life. Even packing them I seemed confused about what to send. I was loosing my son.. most likely to never lay eyes on him again. They stated they had everything they needed but I could send what ever I wanted.. It just doesn't make any sense... I didn't bother doing laundry.. I sent what was clean. I kept anything of extreme sentimental value or anything he had outgrown on the rare chance there might be another baby in our future.. But right now that just seems .... hopeless.
That morning we had our other foster kids say their good byes and had made arrangements for an activity with one of their workers.. after which they headed off to their Grandma's for a weekend visit. I wanted it to just be us when we had to actually do it.
We loaded everything up the back of our SUV and took him to the meeting location... His grandfather was there along with his biological Mom. They were quick to load his things quickly. Then is Grandfather shook our hands... I had already begun to cry silent tears. My Son was quiet but didn't seem distressed. To him I'm sure it was just like any other time we had met for a quick exchange. He had No idea this was Good bye.
The rest of the day we tried to keep busy. We bought our daughter a new fish as one was found dead in the tank that day... we snuggled and watched a movie, The next day we spent the day together. Just us and our daughter.. We went swimming, took a nap, went the the movies. And just like that we were back to usual. I took a nap and cleaned the house... after school I picked up my daughter and our foster kids and off to appointments.. the never ending appointments that come with being a foster mom. The next couple days were like that.. Jammed full of every day living. I had closed his bedroom door and shut off the Vent (for the A/C) I let the kids know it was off limits.
And then it happened. It was day #4 .... My two oldest were at their PSR appointment and I needed to pick up their sister from day care. I took my daughter with me. When we got there and headed down the Hall my daughter ran over to My son's classroom door and peeked in... Come on Sweetie lets go I prompted her. She immediately joined me across the hall to pick up her foster sister. After we signed her out we headed out the door and I turned towards the front of the building taking just a few steps before I realized my daughter had ran back to his classroom door. Hand on her hip head tilted back she laughed "Mommy!... Don't forget about brother!" She almost taunted me as if I were being silly for having forgotten to pick him up too.... I froze in my footsteps .. I didn't know what to say at first. "Sweet Heart... " I think the look on my face helped her realize and Her face Fell.. then she looked up at me for confirmation "we don't have brother anymore" I quietly reminded her. She put her head down again almost in tears "I forgot" she whispered and started to quietly cry. I quickly whisked them out to the car wondering if any of the workers had heard. She was quiet all the way home. I didn't know what to say. Once we were home the craziness of the house full of kids and homework and workers and hurrying to get off to a school even took over.
I think I know where she's at... Right now I'm just going through the motions... Just 3 more days of school... If I can just make it til the End of school with out loosing it. Then Vacation starts.. My Other foster kids are being prepared for a relative placement as soon as school is out and it is all coordinated.. Then we'll send my daughter Away to a month long vacation with Grandma's and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins to keep her busy busy... Hoping it will be enough to give her time to adjust to Not having a brother around.
And then the house will be completely Empty
“All we have left is his room, his stories, and the quiet that has settled in as we try in vain to spread ourselves out and fill the space he's left behind.”
Modified from ― Sarah Dessen, Dreamland
It all seems so strange... It doesn't quite make sense. I packed up his things he would be taking with him... What do I send? They don't seem really that interested in things from us. I sent his favorite toys in a box. His rocking horse and basketball hoop where the large items.... A box of clothes, the last of the package of diapers, His toothbrush. That was the Sum of it.. Two boxes ... representing the first two years of his life. Even packing them I seemed confused about what to send. I was loosing my son.. most likely to never lay eyes on him again. They stated they had everything they needed but I could send what ever I wanted.. It just doesn't make any sense... I didn't bother doing laundry.. I sent what was clean. I kept anything of extreme sentimental value or anything he had outgrown on the rare chance there might be another baby in our future.. But right now that just seems .... hopeless.
That morning we had our other foster kids say their good byes and had made arrangements for an activity with one of their workers.. after which they headed off to their Grandma's for a weekend visit. I wanted it to just be us when we had to actually do it.
We loaded everything up the back of our SUV and took him to the meeting location... His grandfather was there along with his biological Mom. They were quick to load his things quickly. Then is Grandfather shook our hands... I had already begun to cry silent tears. My Son was quiet but didn't seem distressed. To him I'm sure it was just like any other time we had met for a quick exchange. He had No idea this was Good bye.
The rest of the day we tried to keep busy. We bought our daughter a new fish as one was found dead in the tank that day... we snuggled and watched a movie, The next day we spent the day together. Just us and our daughter.. We went swimming, took a nap, went the the movies. And just like that we were back to usual. I took a nap and cleaned the house... after school I picked up my daughter and our foster kids and off to appointments.. the never ending appointments that come with being a foster mom. The next couple days were like that.. Jammed full of every day living. I had closed his bedroom door and shut off the Vent (for the A/C) I let the kids know it was off limits.
And then it happened. It was day #4 .... My two oldest were at their PSR appointment and I needed to pick up their sister from day care. I took my daughter with me. When we got there and headed down the Hall my daughter ran over to My son's classroom door and peeked in... Come on Sweetie lets go I prompted her. She immediately joined me across the hall to pick up her foster sister. After we signed her out we headed out the door and I turned towards the front of the building taking just a few steps before I realized my daughter had ran back to his classroom door. Hand on her hip head tilted back she laughed "Mommy!... Don't forget about brother!" She almost taunted me as if I were being silly for having forgotten to pick him up too.... I froze in my footsteps .. I didn't know what to say at first. "Sweet Heart... " I think the look on my face helped her realize and Her face Fell.. then she looked up at me for confirmation "we don't have brother anymore" I quietly reminded her. She put her head down again almost in tears "I forgot" she whispered and started to quietly cry. I quickly whisked them out to the car wondering if any of the workers had heard. She was quiet all the way home. I didn't know what to say. Once we were home the craziness of the house full of kids and homework and workers and hurrying to get off to a school even took over.
I think I know where she's at... Right now I'm just going through the motions... Just 3 more days of school... If I can just make it til the End of school with out loosing it. Then Vacation starts.. My Other foster kids are being prepared for a relative placement as soon as school is out and it is all coordinated.. Then we'll send my daughter Away to a month long vacation with Grandma's and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins to keep her busy busy... Hoping it will be enough to give her time to adjust to Not having a brother around.
And then the house will be completely Empty
“All we have left is his room, his stories, and the quiet that has settled in as we try in vain to spread ourselves out and fill the space he's left behind.”
Modified from ― Sarah Dessen, Dreamland
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Shock and Anger
I haven't posted in a while because I was still in the shock and denial phase of my grief. It wasn't real yet... But it has become so real so fast. I'm not sure at time if I will be crushed by the weight of it all.
I am going to be very direct in this post.. I may be a bit harsh.. but for those of us who have been cursed enough to study time and time again the stages of grief we know that Anger follows shock and I self analyze myself even now in the midst of my greatest loss.
Over two years ago we were asked to foster a beautiful baby boy.. We were told he wouldn't stay long... He was drug exposed and would need some special care but he and his mother would be going to a treatment program together. But then she was gone. So for a year we raised him, loved him and we were even asked to adopt him... Until, at the 11th hour a relative came forward... There were some very grave concerns and legal battle ensued. My husband and I tried to get him his own atty but he was too young and so we spent our life savings hiring one ourselves and we eventually won "placement" of him. Basically the Judge ordering the child was to stay with us until his case was complete. Which we had been told of course his plan was to terminate Mom's rights and have us adopt. But during this legal battle the family had gone out and found Mom. And so at age 14 months he started a relationship with his Mother. He spent just a couple hours a week playing with her at a center. And just month ago the Department dropped a Bomb.. Mom has made such great progress in the past couple months we are ready to give the baby back to her.
This sweet innocent little boy who has struggled because of her decision to abuse drugs will now be returned to her. A woman with whom he is only acquainted. She is not a bad woman. She has worked very hard. She has made some life changes. And I do believe she loves him dearly. But that does not mean that tearing this little boy away from the only family he has ever known .. the only sister he has ever known.. the only home he has ever known is in his best interest. I know all the details.. It angers me..
As A Mom I try very hard to make good decisions for my family. I am not perfect but I think I'm a pretty good Mom... The mistakes I have made pale in comparison to the choices she has made.. and yet in the end it wasn't enough. Why is it that Mothers who harm their children are given every last chance... and Mothers who sacrifice and are there to pick up the pieces are the ones left to attempt to pick up the pieces of their own shattered hearts in the end. It just doesn't seem fair, or right in any way. But it will be this precious little boy who will truly loose in the End. I hope and Pray that Child Welfare is right.. that she has changed enough and that she will love him and protect him as I would have. I hope and pray for his sake that this doesn't scar him or cause him any regression. I hope and pray for God to watch over my son.
"A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.” ― Rachel Sontag
I am going to be very direct in this post.. I may be a bit harsh.. but for those of us who have been cursed enough to study time and time again the stages of grief we know that Anger follows shock and I self analyze myself even now in the midst of my greatest loss.
Over two years ago we were asked to foster a beautiful baby boy.. We were told he wouldn't stay long... He was drug exposed and would need some special care but he and his mother would be going to a treatment program together. But then she was gone. So for a year we raised him, loved him and we were even asked to adopt him... Until, at the 11th hour a relative came forward... There were some very grave concerns and legal battle ensued. My husband and I tried to get him his own atty but he was too young and so we spent our life savings hiring one ourselves and we eventually won "placement" of him. Basically the Judge ordering the child was to stay with us until his case was complete. Which we had been told of course his plan was to terminate Mom's rights and have us adopt. But during this legal battle the family had gone out and found Mom. And so at age 14 months he started a relationship with his Mother. He spent just a couple hours a week playing with her at a center. And just month ago the Department dropped a Bomb.. Mom has made such great progress in the past couple months we are ready to give the baby back to her.
This sweet innocent little boy who has struggled because of her decision to abuse drugs will now be returned to her. A woman with whom he is only acquainted. She is not a bad woman. She has worked very hard. She has made some life changes. And I do believe she loves him dearly. But that does not mean that tearing this little boy away from the only family he has ever known .. the only sister he has ever known.. the only home he has ever known is in his best interest. I know all the details.. It angers me..
As A Mom I try very hard to make good decisions for my family. I am not perfect but I think I'm a pretty good Mom... The mistakes I have made pale in comparison to the choices she has made.. and yet in the end it wasn't enough. Why is it that Mothers who harm their children are given every last chance... and Mothers who sacrifice and are there to pick up the pieces are the ones left to attempt to pick up the pieces of their own shattered hearts in the end. It just doesn't seem fair, or right in any way. But it will be this precious little boy who will truly loose in the End. I hope and Pray that Child Welfare is right.. that she has changed enough and that she will love him and protect him as I would have. I hope and pray for his sake that this doesn't scar him or cause him any regression. I hope and pray for God to watch over my son.
"A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.” ― Rachel Sontag
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Disappointments and Meltdowns
What is it like dealing with Kids who have trust and attachment issues... Its Like This...
My daughter was crying, the 4 year old was crying, the 2 year old was crying and the 9 year old was yelling at her 7 year old sister to "JUST STOP IT" .... I tried to reassure my daughter, She is just not being nice because she is mad I told her. As I said this the 7 year old screamed at me at the top of her lungs "I'm never going to be nice to you again; I hate you!" This was following a tirade of things like "It's not fair" and " I hate you" "I just want to kill myself" and "I just want to go home"
And it all happened at our local yogurt place! Yep that's right! In public.
You might be wondering what on Earth could have prompted such a meltdown! Something terrible must have happened!... Well it goes like this. As a Foster Mom I try very hard to make sure I don't make commitments that I can't keep. It's funny as this whole thing started unraveling my husband was telling me "they are just going to have to learn that things don't always work out and they don't always get to do what they want" As I think back on that statement I realize and as I analyze it here it goes like this.
I'm pretty sure that things not working out.. not getting what they want... and being disappointed has been a staple for these kids. I'm pretty sure each if the foster kids I've had didn't want to be abused or neglected... I have watched as parents have not shown up for visits or not contacted for days / weeks / even months. Some times it is a simple thing. Like telling them they will bring them something specific next time they visit, and it just doesn't quite happen... Or Even just promising they will come to the next visit, and then they have to cancel. Yes it is true that things happen.... It is true that circumstances beyond our control sometimes take over and disrupt our best laid plans. But when it happens again and again... it is hard for these kids to believe that it will be OK... For this reason I always try to make sure I don't promise anything I can't delver... Even the small Stuff.. But that is what happened to us tonight.
It has been on the calendar for a couple weeks (which to a child is a very long time) A Big Surprise followed by a special school event... We had a very full day scheduled and so the kids made sure to have their homework done already ... I could tell they were very excited about our big plans. We rushed of to their therapy appointment and we were to meet up for a special Surprise afterwards which was a special dinner... But I was already running late when I got word from my husband the car had mysteriously stopped working... it was DEAD and they were stranded! So instead we rushed off to get him jumped. (it was the alternator) We arrived to dinner late and By the time dinner was over I kept watching the clock and realizing time was running out! My husband had disappeared and I was flustered trying to get the kids to listen to me that it was time to get ready to go But Alas... time had slipped away and they car was Dead Again ... and realizing it would be up to me to attempt to take all 5 of them by myself to the school event it didn't take long before I realized that this was just not going to work. And so It came time to discuss with my husband.. who also was very frustrated by the days events and tell the kids.
I knew the announcement that we would not be attending the school event was going to go over like a ton of bricks... I too was very disappointed and frustrated to not be able to attend the event. The kids were already loaded in the car expecting to head to the event... Now I would have to tell them instead we would be headed home to get ready for bed and Daddy would have to stay behind to repair the car.
"I knew it everything is ruined" came the response from the 9 year old. Crying from the 7 year olds and the 4 year old repeating anything she could catch... I stepped out of the car not sure I could handle the complaining in my frustrated state (I needed a time out). My husband in his frustration laid down the law... No complaining, No crying and throwing fits. Cooperate and be good or there would be big consequences. Of course that is the Dad Approach and as soon as I got in the car with them it started again .. crying "but Mommy we really wanted to go" There was a great deal of disappointment as I knew there would be.. I tried to listen and be patient with it. I told them I knew they were disappointed.. I was mad and sad too. I really wanted to go but that it just wasn't going to work out. The even was more than 60 % over. I also told them this would not be our only opportunity to participate in fun events. I even suggested we could do the activity another day it just wouldn't be at the school event. I tried to ask each child how they were feeling... and I tried to validate. I offered that perhaps there was something we could do instead to help us feel just a little better. Maybe on they way home we could stop for an ice cream cone. A couple of the kids liked this idea but the 7 year old was adamant. NO Nothing will make me feel better. She pouted.. I don't want ice cream. Ok... you don't have to have an ice cream. This caused some concern from the other kids .. they wanted to jump to her defense.. that's not fair. We all finally agreed on a frozen yogurt place (they'd been asking to go for weeks) and everyone finally seemed to be on board.
At the yogurt place the kids were excited.. I attempted to help each child make their selections but the 7 year old was lagging.. she couldn't decide.. she was watching what everyone else was selecting. She finally started. I quickly went to assist and saw that she was taking larger portions and trying to take everything everyone else had used. I tried to explain we need to just pick a couple or if we are going to take more selections then just a little of each. This didn't seem to sink in and after a couple of selection I had to stop her. As with many frozen yogurts this was a by the oz. Most of our Yogurts came out to about 6 oz. The 9 year old's was close to 8. But Even with me stopping the 7 year old after just two yogurt selections and two candy selections her's was over 12... and of course this was not Fair. The other kids had sprinkles and more than 2 types of candy toppings. But she had decided on 3 scoops of the one topping and a large scoop of gummies to top it off! I explained that she had more than the others and it was more than enough. Fine I don't want it She screamed at me.. And then She stormed off.
I let her go and thought she would calm down after a few minutes and be ready to eat her concoction. I invited her several times "Are you ready to come join us?" "would you like to come sit by me and snuggle for a minute, I bet you'd feel better" "I'd really like you to come over here with us" Each attempt was met with resistance.... it usually only takes her a few minutes to calm down and then I usually get an apology and she joins us in our activities; But tonight She was not only off to the side by herself in another seating area about 10 feet away but making quite the scene crying and commenting to no one in particular. I tried not to pay attention to those around us hoping No one was really paying attention to us. By this time most of the other kids were almost finished or finishing up And So I got a to-go lid, Closed up her ice cream. Seeing this just seemed to fuel her. "I was about to come eat that she told me." I explained her opportunity had passed and it was time to go. And that brings us back to the beginning.. "I HATE YOU" "YOUR MEAN" Luckily it was mostly just the crying that was inside the store.. we had made it to the Parking lot when the screaming started.
I reassured her I loved her and reminded her "Even when we are mad we still love each other" and we loaded up and I headed home as quickly as possible. By the time we got home she was ready to apologize but I again had to explain her opportunity to eat the ice cream had passed.. so She became angry again.. No screaming this time but She intentionally fought going to bed and intentionally kept her little sister awake. It took me an hour and a half to get them all to sleep. So here I am now exhausted.. and Tomorrow I'll start all over again.
Why the melt down... I think I know why.... Lets start with it was a difficult week. Its been nearly 5 days since we saw Mom .. We were suppose to see her on the weekend but she didn't make it to her visit. And she didn't call.....
And although they have been disappointed in the past.... Well I try very hard to be the one who does not disappoint them. I had assured them we would go ... I always follow through.. and this time... it just didn't work out. And this was a big event.. therefore a big let down.
One good thing came of it... it gave me a great opportunity when the 9 year old expressed her frustration to me about her sisters behavior and how it made her feel really mad and She said she just wanted to scream. I asked her how she thought I might Feel. I explained how there are lots of times I feel that way.. Like when they are yelling at me or intentionally not cooperating cause they are mad. But how would they feel if I screamed at them. I think it was a great moment for her and I. I was able to talk to her about how I get mad and frustrated too... but that I have to be patient and respond appropriately. For me I'm an adult so this is all so much easier.. I can look at it and say We All get disappointed.... Its being patient in our disappointment that is the true test of our patience....
My daughter was crying, the 4 year old was crying, the 2 year old was crying and the 9 year old was yelling at her 7 year old sister to "JUST STOP IT" .... I tried to reassure my daughter, She is just not being nice because she is mad I told her. As I said this the 7 year old screamed at me at the top of her lungs "I'm never going to be nice to you again; I hate you!" This was following a tirade of things like "It's not fair" and " I hate you" "I just want to kill myself" and "I just want to go home"
And it all happened at our local yogurt place! Yep that's right! In public.
You might be wondering what on Earth could have prompted such a meltdown! Something terrible must have happened!... Well it goes like this. As a Foster Mom I try very hard to make sure I don't make commitments that I can't keep. It's funny as this whole thing started unraveling my husband was telling me "they are just going to have to learn that things don't always work out and they don't always get to do what they want" As I think back on that statement I realize and as I analyze it here it goes like this.
I'm pretty sure that things not working out.. not getting what they want... and being disappointed has been a staple for these kids. I'm pretty sure each if the foster kids I've had didn't want to be abused or neglected... I have watched as parents have not shown up for visits or not contacted for days / weeks / even months. Some times it is a simple thing. Like telling them they will bring them something specific next time they visit, and it just doesn't quite happen... Or Even just promising they will come to the next visit, and then they have to cancel. Yes it is true that things happen.... It is true that circumstances beyond our control sometimes take over and disrupt our best laid plans. But when it happens again and again... it is hard for these kids to believe that it will be OK... For this reason I always try to make sure I don't promise anything I can't delver... Even the small Stuff.. But that is what happened to us tonight.
It has been on the calendar for a couple weeks (which to a child is a very long time) A Big Surprise followed by a special school event... We had a very full day scheduled and so the kids made sure to have their homework done already ... I could tell they were very excited about our big plans. We rushed of to their therapy appointment and we were to meet up for a special Surprise afterwards which was a special dinner... But I was already running late when I got word from my husband the car had mysteriously stopped working... it was DEAD and they were stranded! So instead we rushed off to get him jumped. (it was the alternator) We arrived to dinner late and By the time dinner was over I kept watching the clock and realizing time was running out! My husband had disappeared and I was flustered trying to get the kids to listen to me that it was time to get ready to go But Alas... time had slipped away and they car was Dead Again ... and realizing it would be up to me to attempt to take all 5 of them by myself to the school event it didn't take long before I realized that this was just not going to work. And so It came time to discuss with my husband.. who also was very frustrated by the days events and tell the kids.
I knew the announcement that we would not be attending the school event was going to go over like a ton of bricks... I too was very disappointed and frustrated to not be able to attend the event. The kids were already loaded in the car expecting to head to the event... Now I would have to tell them instead we would be headed home to get ready for bed and Daddy would have to stay behind to repair the car.
"I knew it everything is ruined" came the response from the 9 year old. Crying from the 7 year olds and the 4 year old repeating anything she could catch... I stepped out of the car not sure I could handle the complaining in my frustrated state (I needed a time out). My husband in his frustration laid down the law... No complaining, No crying and throwing fits. Cooperate and be good or there would be big consequences. Of course that is the Dad Approach and as soon as I got in the car with them it started again .. crying "but Mommy we really wanted to go" There was a great deal of disappointment as I knew there would be.. I tried to listen and be patient with it. I told them I knew they were disappointed.. I was mad and sad too. I really wanted to go but that it just wasn't going to work out. The even was more than 60 % over. I also told them this would not be our only opportunity to participate in fun events. I even suggested we could do the activity another day it just wouldn't be at the school event. I tried to ask each child how they were feeling... and I tried to validate. I offered that perhaps there was something we could do instead to help us feel just a little better. Maybe on they way home we could stop for an ice cream cone. A couple of the kids liked this idea but the 7 year old was adamant. NO Nothing will make me feel better. She pouted.. I don't want ice cream. Ok... you don't have to have an ice cream. This caused some concern from the other kids .. they wanted to jump to her defense.. that's not fair. We all finally agreed on a frozen yogurt place (they'd been asking to go for weeks) and everyone finally seemed to be on board.
At the yogurt place the kids were excited.. I attempted to help each child make their selections but the 7 year old was lagging.. she couldn't decide.. she was watching what everyone else was selecting. She finally started. I quickly went to assist and saw that she was taking larger portions and trying to take everything everyone else had used. I tried to explain we need to just pick a couple or if we are going to take more selections then just a little of each. This didn't seem to sink in and after a couple of selection I had to stop her. As with many frozen yogurts this was a by the oz. Most of our Yogurts came out to about 6 oz. The 9 year old's was close to 8. But Even with me stopping the 7 year old after just two yogurt selections and two candy selections her's was over 12... and of course this was not Fair. The other kids had sprinkles and more than 2 types of candy toppings. But she had decided on 3 scoops of the one topping and a large scoop of gummies to top it off! I explained that she had more than the others and it was more than enough. Fine I don't want it She screamed at me.. And then She stormed off.
I let her go and thought she would calm down after a few minutes and be ready to eat her concoction. I invited her several times "Are you ready to come join us?" "would you like to come sit by me and snuggle for a minute, I bet you'd feel better" "I'd really like you to come over here with us" Each attempt was met with resistance.... it usually only takes her a few minutes to calm down and then I usually get an apology and she joins us in our activities; But tonight She was not only off to the side by herself in another seating area about 10 feet away but making quite the scene crying and commenting to no one in particular. I tried not to pay attention to those around us hoping No one was really paying attention to us. By this time most of the other kids were almost finished or finishing up And So I got a to-go lid, Closed up her ice cream. Seeing this just seemed to fuel her. "I was about to come eat that she told me." I explained her opportunity had passed and it was time to go. And that brings us back to the beginning.. "I HATE YOU" "YOUR MEAN" Luckily it was mostly just the crying that was inside the store.. we had made it to the Parking lot when the screaming started.
I reassured her I loved her and reminded her "Even when we are mad we still love each other" and we loaded up and I headed home as quickly as possible. By the time we got home she was ready to apologize but I again had to explain her opportunity to eat the ice cream had passed.. so She became angry again.. No screaming this time but She intentionally fought going to bed and intentionally kept her little sister awake. It took me an hour and a half to get them all to sleep. So here I am now exhausted.. and Tomorrow I'll start all over again.
Why the melt down... I think I know why.... Lets start with it was a difficult week. Its been nearly 5 days since we saw Mom .. We were suppose to see her on the weekend but she didn't make it to her visit. And she didn't call.....
And although they have been disappointed in the past.... Well I try very hard to be the one who does not disappoint them. I had assured them we would go ... I always follow through.. and this time... it just didn't work out. And this was a big event.. therefore a big let down.
One good thing came of it... it gave me a great opportunity when the 9 year old expressed her frustration to me about her sisters behavior and how it made her feel really mad and She said she just wanted to scream. I asked her how she thought I might Feel. I explained how there are lots of times I feel that way.. Like when they are yelling at me or intentionally not cooperating cause they are mad. But how would they feel if I screamed at them. I think it was a great moment for her and I. I was able to talk to her about how I get mad and frustrated too... but that I have to be patient and respond appropriately. For me I'm an adult so this is all so much easier.. I can look at it and say We All get disappointed.... Its being patient in our disappointment that is the true test of our patience....
Monday, April 22, 2013
Foster Mom VS Mom
I bet most of you out there who are not foster parents have never stopped to think about the difference. This has been a struggle I have as a foster Mom when I make friends. We often make friends with those we have similar interests and similar family structure or culture. As a foster mom I so very often hear people say things or do things that make me take note, pause, and for lack of a better term grieve.
What is it truly like to be the person who isn't really Mom... I hope this gives you a glimpse.
It starts each time I receive a new child. Each of my children that I have come into my home have a decision to make.. what do I call these new people? I explain to each of them "I'm the Mommy at our house... and pointing to my Husband "and this is the Daddy" I give them our names as well. If they are old enough to have a conversation I ask them "What would you like to call us" I have had most of my kids opt to call me Mom or Aunt. For the older ones it is always easy to say someone is your Aunt because their friends don't question it. And for those that are of a different race/ethnicity people just assume I'm the Aunt through Marriage. But the thing is we become foster Mom's because we want to BE Moms... and so each time a child refers to you as something other than Mom... its that subtle reminder that you are not mom. When you look at synonyms for Foster they are raise - cherish - bring up - nurture - nurse - cultivate So basically I'm doing the Job of Mom.. but I don't get the credit.
Some days that is a harsh reality check. I wake them, bath them, fix their hair, teach them to brush their teeth, take them to school, help them with their homework, take them to appointments and activities, arrange friend time and all sort of other things... .. for the little ones I change diapers, bandage boo-boo's, stay up with them when they are sick, chase away bad dreams and hold them when they cry. But when they cry .. not matter what their age... usually the first thing out of their mouths is "I want my Mommy" and once again its that reminder that you are not Mom...
Sadly many times we as foster parents know why the tears are there... and it is easy to blame Mom (or Dad) Especially if they are sad because they are homesick, or they are sad because their parents didn't make a visit, or didn't keep their promises. Mostly they are just sad... and Angry. They are going though a lot because of the situations they are in or that they have come from. Lets face it most of these kids have had it tough and so they come to us with what we call "cracked foundations" they have not always had the stable environment they needed to grow and learn the skills and confidence other kids have. They come with a lot of fears and sadness. They have anger issues from everything they are dealing with and a nothing is fair attitude (And lets face it most of what has happened to them SUCKS and is NOT FAIR) The problem with these emotions is these kids are overwhelmed by these emotions and they are going to come bursting out at who ever is there! So I'm the one who gets to hear "I Hate it Here" "I want my real Mom" "I just want to go home"
Many of the kids that come to us have weak immune systems, some don't have their vaccinations, others because they have poor habits .. but mostly because Stress is the #1 threat to our immune system and these poor kids are under A LOT of stress. Many also have habits that contribute to illness because of stress like biting their fingers/fingernails. One little girl bit her finger til it bleed and was infected. Another little boy like to pick his nose when he was nervous. Sometimes they wander around aimlessly or nervously dragging their hand along surfaces ... this spreads germs quickly. They don't sleep well on a regular basis, and eating concerns is also very common (again usually from stress) All this adds up to them getting sick easier... and of course the moment they are sick who is to blame? That's Right the Foster Parent! We obviously aren't taking good enough care!
The thing about being the foster parent is that you have someone judging everything you do. Their real parents... and they have an opinion about Every thing you do. Being a foster mom is sort of like having to deal with and Ex... But I think worse because even though you have primary custody and day to day responsibility for the child. They have all the decision making powers.
And There are all sorts of rules about your foster kids. Furniture in the home must meet specific specs and placed in specific places. They measure how many inches off the floor the bed frame / mattress sits how far apart the beds are. They measure things like how far away from the window things are. Every little thing you do boils down to whats the rule on that. All day long you are constantly reminded these are not your kids, filling out extra paperwork for school activities, extra forms at the Dr or if you give them a dosage of Tylenol.
And Yet you are asked to love them as if they are your very own. We always try very desperately not to treat any of our foster kids any different. But the truth is they are different. I don't know how to sooth them as easily as I do my own daughter.. I don't have the same relationship with them as i do my own because relationships are built over time. And although I try very hard to build those relationships. To help them feel at home and loved. The fact is .. this isn't home to them .... and I'm not Mom.
And that's the harshness of it. All I have ever wanted was to be A Mom... It is my greatest desire... And I am reminded by the ugly truths and stories that come with being a foster parent that there are children out there that are not cherished and loved and protected every minute of every day. These children did not come to me because their parents won an all expense paid vacation... these kids came to me because they were being harmed in some way.. or because the person responsible for protecting them did not. I pride myself on making being a Mom my most Important responsibility. And yet I'm the one who's not rewarded, not recognized... I'm the one that feels not good enough because I'm not Mom...
What is it truly like to be the person who isn't really Mom... I hope this gives you a glimpse.
It starts each time I receive a new child. Each of my children that I have come into my home have a decision to make.. what do I call these new people? I explain to each of them "I'm the Mommy at our house... and pointing to my Husband "and this is the Daddy" I give them our names as well. If they are old enough to have a conversation I ask them "What would you like to call us" I have had most of my kids opt to call me Mom or Aunt. For the older ones it is always easy to say someone is your Aunt because their friends don't question it. And for those that are of a different race/ethnicity people just assume I'm the Aunt through Marriage. But the thing is we become foster Mom's because we want to BE Moms... and so each time a child refers to you as something other than Mom... its that subtle reminder that you are not mom. When you look at synonyms for Foster they are raise - cherish - bring up - nurture - nurse - cultivate So basically I'm doing the Job of Mom.. but I don't get the credit.
Some days that is a harsh reality check. I wake them, bath them, fix their hair, teach them to brush their teeth, take them to school, help them with their homework, take them to appointments and activities, arrange friend time and all sort of other things... .. for the little ones I change diapers, bandage boo-boo's, stay up with them when they are sick, chase away bad dreams and hold them when they cry. But when they cry .. not matter what their age... usually the first thing out of their mouths is "I want my Mommy" and once again its that reminder that you are not Mom...
Sadly many times we as foster parents know why the tears are there... and it is easy to blame Mom (or Dad) Especially if they are sad because they are homesick, or they are sad because their parents didn't make a visit, or didn't keep their promises. Mostly they are just sad... and Angry. They are going though a lot because of the situations they are in or that they have come from. Lets face it most of these kids have had it tough and so they come to us with what we call "cracked foundations" they have not always had the stable environment they needed to grow and learn the skills and confidence other kids have. They come with a lot of fears and sadness. They have anger issues from everything they are dealing with and a nothing is fair attitude (And lets face it most of what has happened to them SUCKS and is NOT FAIR) The problem with these emotions is these kids are overwhelmed by these emotions and they are going to come bursting out at who ever is there! So I'm the one who gets to hear "I Hate it Here" "I want my real Mom" "I just want to go home"
Many of the kids that come to us have weak immune systems, some don't have their vaccinations, others because they have poor habits .. but mostly because Stress is the #1 threat to our immune system and these poor kids are under A LOT of stress. Many also have habits that contribute to illness because of stress like biting their fingers/fingernails. One little girl bit her finger til it bleed and was infected. Another little boy like to pick his nose when he was nervous. Sometimes they wander around aimlessly or nervously dragging their hand along surfaces ... this spreads germs quickly. They don't sleep well on a regular basis, and eating concerns is also very common (again usually from stress) All this adds up to them getting sick easier... and of course the moment they are sick who is to blame? That's Right the Foster Parent! We obviously aren't taking good enough care!
The thing about being the foster parent is that you have someone judging everything you do. Their real parents... and they have an opinion about Every thing you do. Being a foster mom is sort of like having to deal with and Ex... But I think worse because even though you have primary custody and day to day responsibility for the child. They have all the decision making powers.
And There are all sorts of rules about your foster kids. Furniture in the home must meet specific specs and placed in specific places. They measure how many inches off the floor the bed frame / mattress sits how far apart the beds are. They measure things like how far away from the window things are. Every little thing you do boils down to whats the rule on that. All day long you are constantly reminded these are not your kids, filling out extra paperwork for school activities, extra forms at the Dr or if you give them a dosage of Tylenol.
And Yet you are asked to love them as if they are your very own. We always try very desperately not to treat any of our foster kids any different. But the truth is they are different. I don't know how to sooth them as easily as I do my own daughter.. I don't have the same relationship with them as i do my own because relationships are built over time. And although I try very hard to build those relationships. To help them feel at home and loved. The fact is .. this isn't home to them .... and I'm not Mom.
And that's the harshness of it. All I have ever wanted was to be A Mom... It is my greatest desire... And I am reminded by the ugly truths and stories that come with being a foster parent that there are children out there that are not cherished and loved and protected every minute of every day. These children did not come to me because their parents won an all expense paid vacation... these kids came to me because they were being harmed in some way.. or because the person responsible for protecting them did not. I pride myself on making being a Mom my most Important responsibility. And yet I'm the one who's not rewarded, not recognized... I'm the one that feels not good enough because I'm not Mom...
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Questioning....
Do we all do this? As foster parents is there always that moment when you ask yourself if it is really worth the pain and the heartache. I hope the answer is yes; because today I find myself re-examining yet again why we're doing this..
I guess the part that bothers me is I never find myself asking myself "Did I do the right thing becoming a mother?" I have never once doubted that my daughter the best thing that has ever happened to me; but I find myself doubting over and over if I'm doing the right thing for her by being a foster parent. Over and over again you ask yourself. That leads to asking... if I have to keep asking myself if this is hurting my family does that mean I am making the wrong decision.
There were many things that brought us to the decision of being foster parents. I think it started with me. In my family we have several relatives that have been foster parents. Each of them fostered older teen girls. We have also had friends and family members who were in foster care as children; of course we told ourselves that was so many years ago -- foster care is so different now. As we talked with those who had been in foster care of children and others who have been involved in the foster care system the answer seemed very clear to me. That change was needed. But I won't lie... we were also motivated by the fact that we wanted to add to our family and adoption is a difficult and expensive thing. We didn't want our daughter to grow up with out the opportunity to be a sister. We had hoped that fostering would teach her compassion, sharing, tolerance, acceptance. We knew kids would come and go and that it would be hard at times; but I don't think we were prepared for all of this.
Of course we knew it would be difficult... of course the system is broken... but nothing will change if we don't make it change. Perhaps I'm too much the Optimist; perhaps I thought we could actually make a difference. When I think of Foster Care I am reminded of the starfish story ... You all know the one.. where the wise older person tells the youngster there are too many... you can't possibly make a difference and the young man replies looking at the star fish... "it made a difference too this one"
That is what I have kept telling myself... that I am making a difference... at least to this one... what ever child that happens to be that I'm holding at that moment. But then I look at my family.. I look at my own daughter and say what peril will I allow.. what risks do I take... what harm is done by allowing the negatives that come with fostering. My daughter is just 7 years old. It is my job to love her and protect her. Yes she desperately wants to be a sister... but how do I help her in her grief. Loss will always be a part of our journey in this life; but am I doing her a disservice?
Perhaps this is too bold... Perhaps it is not politically correct to say some days I question my decision to foster. But it is the truth. The Cold Hard Ugly Truth... days like today I am questioning.
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” - C.S Lewis
Sunday, April 7, 2013
We set out to save the Shire...... And it has been saved -- but not for me
I have waited to post but I still don't know where to begin... You know we set out to foster to make a difference and hope that some day we would have the opportunity to Adopt. We have had children come and children go. And we knew that would be the case. It has never been easy. And we never thought it would be. But I never imagined it would be like this. It is as if this is all just a bad dream. Surely this can not be happening.
When we arrived at court there was suppose to be a hearing for the petition to terminate parental rights. But in a strange turn of events it was announced that there was good news. After nearly 2 years. The child's birth mother has now completed her case plan and is ready to request to have her son reunified with her. This was news to us because just last month the department made it very clear that they had determined the child's best interests were served by Termination and Adoption.
Because I know all the details of the case (That I desperately wish I could shout to the world the injustice of it all) .. I am outraged and confused.
So after raising this sweet baby boy from birth... after being the only family he has truly ever know. I will shortly be ordered to turn him over to people he is barely acquainted with.
When we arrived at court there was suppose to be a hearing for the petition to terminate parental rights. But in a strange turn of events it was announced that there was good news. After nearly 2 years. The child's birth mother has now completed her case plan and is ready to request to have her son reunified with her. This was news to us because just last month the department made it very clear that they had determined the child's best interests were served by Termination and Adoption.
Because I know all the details of the case (That I desperately wish I could shout to the world the injustice of it all) .. I am outraged and confused.
So after raising this sweet baby boy from birth... after being the only family he has truly ever know. I will shortly be ordered to turn him over to people he is barely acquainted with.
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