The Darkness Comes

Its late well after midnight and the whole world seems still.   The blog has been on my mind a lot recently.  I started it so long ago with hopes of making it so much more.... But Life in its business keeps me distracted.  Or maybe I keep myself distracted.

I am sitting here in near darkness; the brightest light coming from my laptop.  The silence in the house is almost deafening. It feel like it  is a dangerous time.  Just me and my thoughts.  Its never just me.... Perhaps I like it that way.  It may be that I avoid the quiet reflection to much.  Every night as I try to rest my weary everything it is overwhelming to me.  This may very well be were the insomnia comes from.  I feel like my heart breaks a little everyday.  For the children I have loved that are now gone from me.  For the Children I am raising.. For the Mothers that lost so much as I gained. 

My son's mother recently made a public statement about how far she had come.  How shortly after he was born she was in such a dark place.  She didn't care for herself... wither she lived or died.  She only cared about the next high ... She now is raising a beautiful daughter and working on being reunited with another.  I am proud of her.  I really am.  But my heart breaks at the same time.  I look at my son, who I have had the privilege of raising since he was just a couple weeks old.  And I realize the tragedy that is the reality of his life.

Luckily for this Amazing young man he is yet unaware of these truths.  I have no idea how long I will be able to shield him from it.  Some day it will start pouring out; bit by bit.  And once it does how much innocence will be lost?  There are times when I just wish I could shield him away from it all.  Keep him from knowing the truth.  I understand why so much in the past people pushed for closed adoptions and didn't want to know.  They didn't want to face the dark ... But every night for me the darkness comes.  In the Quiet Stillness of every sleepless night.  The darkness comes... And I am left alone with the Tragedy of my Children's Lives.