Its that question I'm always afraid to Ask other Foster Parents....
Do You Think it was Worth It? .....
As I look at my life today... it was a struggle to just get through the day. I felt so overwhelmed. Its the constant chaos that comes with a family of our dynamics. Older kids with ADHD that keep the little ones way more wound up than necessary. Constant commotion in a hectic day where nothing at all seemed to go right! And then when I showed my own frustration... Panic attacks and hysterics from a teenager. I instantly felt angry. Why was it they could have a melt down any old time over just about anything... But after weeks of one thing after another being broken or just craziness ... when I have finally reached the end of my rope.. I get the slightest bit cranky and they are defensive and I am made to feel horrible for lashing out at them in the slightest. And I didn't even YELL... I was just irritated. No I wasn't pleasant ... I'm not Marry Poppins for crying out loud.
Its days like today i start to question myself.. Did I even make the right decision. What if I had just accepted my life in a simpler format. What would it have been like. Wouldn't things be way less complicated. And less financially stressful. What if I had just focused on me and improving my situation... what fun experiences would I have rather than broken down washing machines ... busted book shelves and stained carpets.
But Instead of second Guesses ...I'll close my eyes... pray for sleep that might actually leave me feeling rested and try to focus on the second chances we give when we look beyond ourselves.
Its way past late... and I"m the kind of tired that sleep doesn't even fix. So off to bed.. In hopes of a brighter... less complicated... Hoping for any sense of normalcy Kind of day tomorrow.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
The Darkness Comes
Its late well after midnight and the whole world seems still. The blog has been on my mind a lot recently. I started it so long ago with hopes of making it so much more.... But Life in its business keeps me distracted. Or maybe I keep myself distracted.
I am sitting here in near darkness; the brightest light coming from my laptop. The silence in the house is almost deafening. It feel like it is a dangerous time. Just me and my thoughts. Its never just me.... Perhaps I like it that way. It may be that I avoid the quiet reflection to much. Every night as I try to rest my weary everything it is overwhelming to me. This may very well be were the insomnia comes from. I feel like my heart breaks a little everyday. For the children I have loved that are now gone from me. For the Children I am raising.. For the Mothers that lost so much as I gained.
My son's mother recently made a public statement about how far she had come. How shortly after he was born she was in such a dark place. She didn't care for herself... wither she lived or died. She only cared about the next high ... She now is raising a beautiful daughter and working on being reunited with another. I am proud of her. I really am. But my heart breaks at the same time. I look at my son, who I have had the privilege of raising since he was just a couple weeks old. And I realize the tragedy that is the reality of his life.
Luckily for this Amazing young man he is yet unaware of these truths. I have no idea how long I will be able to shield him from it. Some day it will start pouring out; bit by bit. And once it does how much innocence will be lost? There are times when I just wish I could shield him away from it all. Keep him from knowing the truth. I understand why so much in the past people pushed for closed adoptions and didn't want to know. They didn't want to face the dark ... But every night for me the darkness comes. In the Quiet Stillness of every sleepless night. The darkness comes... And I am left alone with the Tragedy of my Children's Lives.
I am sitting here in near darkness; the brightest light coming from my laptop. The silence in the house is almost deafening. It feel like it is a dangerous time. Just me and my thoughts. Its never just me.... Perhaps I like it that way. It may be that I avoid the quiet reflection to much. Every night as I try to rest my weary everything it is overwhelming to me. This may very well be were the insomnia comes from. I feel like my heart breaks a little everyday. For the children I have loved that are now gone from me. For the Children I am raising.. For the Mothers that lost so much as I gained.
My son's mother recently made a public statement about how far she had come. How shortly after he was born she was in such a dark place. She didn't care for herself... wither she lived or died. She only cared about the next high ... She now is raising a beautiful daughter and working on being reunited with another. I am proud of her. I really am. But my heart breaks at the same time. I look at my son, who I have had the privilege of raising since he was just a couple weeks old. And I realize the tragedy that is the reality of his life.
Luckily for this Amazing young man he is yet unaware of these truths. I have no idea how long I will be able to shield him from it. Some day it will start pouring out; bit by bit. And once it does how much innocence will be lost? There are times when I just wish I could shield him away from it all. Keep him from knowing the truth. I understand why so much in the past people pushed for closed adoptions and didn't want to know. They didn't want to face the dark ... But every night for me the darkness comes. In the Quiet Stillness of every sleepless night. The darkness comes... And I am left alone with the Tragedy of my Children's Lives.
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