Disappointments and Meltdowns

What is it like dealing with Kids who have trust and attachment issues... Its Like This...

My daughter was crying, the 4 year old was crying, the 2 year old was crying and the 9 year old was yelling at her 7 year old sister to "JUST STOP IT"  .... I tried to reassure my daughter,  She is just not being nice because she is mad I told her.  As I said this the 7 year old screamed at me at the top of her lungs   "I'm never going to be nice to you again;  I hate you!"  This was following a tirade of things like "It's not fair" and " I hate you" "I just want to kill myself" and "I just want to go home"

And it all happened at our local yogurt place! Yep that's right! In public.  

You might be wondering what on Earth could have prompted such a meltdown!  Something terrible must have happened!... Well it goes like this.  As a Foster Mom I try very hard to make sure I don't make commitments that I can't keep.  It's funny as this whole thing started unraveling my husband was telling me "they are just going to have to learn that things don't always work out and they don't always get to do what they want"   As I think back on that statement I realize and as I analyze it here it goes like this.

I'm pretty sure that things not working out.. not getting what they want... and being disappointed has been a staple for these kids.  I'm pretty sure each if the foster kids I've had didn't want to be abused or neglected... I have watched as parents have not shown up for visits or not contacted for days / weeks / even months.  Some times it is a simple thing.  Like telling them they will bring them something specific next time they visit, and it just doesn't quite happen...  Or Even just promising they will come to the next visit, and then they have to cancel.   Yes it is true that things  happen.... It is true that circumstances beyond our control sometimes take over and disrupt our best laid plans.   But when it happens again and again... it is hard for these kids to believe that it will be OK... For this reason I always try to make sure I don't promise anything I can't delver... Even the small Stuff..   But that is what happened to us tonight.

It has been on the calendar for a couple weeks (which to a child is a very long time)  A Big Surprise followed by a special school event... We had a very full day scheduled and so the kids made sure to have their homework done already ... I could tell they were very excited about our big plans.  We rushed of to their therapy appointment and we were to meet up for a special Surprise afterwards which was a special dinner... But I was already running late when I got word from my husband the car had mysteriously stopped working... it was DEAD and they were stranded!  So instead we rushed off to get him jumped. (it was the alternator) We arrived to dinner late and  By the time dinner was over I kept watching the clock and realizing time was running out!  My husband had disappeared and I was flustered trying to get the kids to listen to me that it was time to get ready to go  But Alas... time had slipped away and they car was Dead Again ... and realizing it would be up to me to attempt to take all 5 of them by myself to the school event  it didn't take long before I realized that this was just not going to work.  And so It came time to discuss with my husband.. who also was very frustrated by the days events and tell the kids.

I knew the announcement that we would not be attending the school event was going to go over like a ton of bricks... I too was very disappointed and frustrated to not be able to attend the event.  The kids were already loaded in the car expecting to head to the event... Now I would have to tell them instead we would be headed home to get ready for bed and Daddy would have to stay behind to repair the car.

"I knew it everything is ruined" came the response from the 9 year old.  Crying from the 7 year olds and the 4 year old repeating anything she could catch... I stepped out of the car  not sure I could handle the complaining in my frustrated state (I needed a time out).  My husband in his frustration laid down the law... No complaining, No crying and throwing fits.  Cooperate and be good or there would be big consequences.  Of course that is the Dad Approach and as soon as I got in the car with them it started again .. crying "but Mommy we really wanted to go"   There was a great deal of disappointment as I knew there would be.. I tried to listen and be patient with it. I told them I knew they were disappointed.. I was mad and sad too.  I really wanted to go but that it just wasn't going to work out.  The even was more than 60 % over.  I also told them this would not be our only opportunity to participate in fun events. I even suggested we could do the activity another day it just wouldn't be at the school event.    I tried to ask each child how they were feeling... and I tried to validate.  I offered that perhaps there was something we could do instead to help us feel just a little better.  Maybe on they way home we could stop for an ice cream cone.  A couple of the kids liked this idea but the 7 year old was adamant.  NO Nothing will make me feel better. She pouted.. I don't want ice cream.   Ok... you don't have to have an ice cream. This caused some concern from the other kids .. they wanted to jump to her defense.. that's not fair.  We all finally agreed on a frozen yogurt place  (they'd been asking to go for weeks) and everyone finally seemed to be on board.

At the yogurt place the kids were excited.. I attempted to help each child make their selections but the 7 year old was lagging.. she couldn't decide.. she was watching what everyone else was selecting.  She finally started.  I quickly went to assist and saw that she was taking larger portions and trying to take everything everyone else had used.  I tried to explain we need to just pick a couple or if we are going to take more selections then just a little of each.  This didn't seem to sink in and after a couple of selection I had to stop her.  As with many frozen yogurts this was a by the oz.  Most of our Yogurts came out to about 6 oz.  The 9 year old's was close to 8.  But Even with me stopping the 7 year old after just two yogurt selections and two candy selections her's was over 12... and of course this was not Fair.  The other kids had sprinkles and more than 2 types of candy toppings. But she had decided on 3 scoops of the one topping and a large scoop of gummies to top it off!  I explained that she had more than the others and it was more than enough. Fine I don't want it She screamed at me.. And then She stormed off.

I let her go and thought she would calm down after a few minutes and be ready to eat her concoction.  I invited her several times "Are you ready to come join us?"  "would you like to come sit by me and snuggle for a minute, I bet you'd feel better"  "I'd really like you to come over here with us"  Each attempt was met with resistance.... it usually only takes her a few minutes to calm down and then I usually get an apology and she joins us in our activities; But tonight  She was not only off to the side by herself in another seating area about 10 feet away but making quite the scene crying and commenting to no one in particular.  I tried not to pay attention to those around us hoping No one was really paying attention to us.   By this time most of the other kids were almost finished or finishing up And So I got a to-go lid, Closed up her ice cream.  Seeing this just seemed to fuel her.  "I was about to come eat that she told me."  I explained her opportunity had passed and it was time to go.  And that brings us back to the beginning.. "I HATE YOU" "YOUR MEAN"  Luckily it was mostly just the crying that was inside the store.. we had made it to the Parking lot when the screaming started.

I reassured her I loved her and reminded her "Even when we are mad we still love each other" and we loaded up and I headed home as quickly as possible.  By the time we got home she was ready to apologize but I again had to explain her opportunity to eat the ice cream had passed.. so She became angry again.. No screaming this time but  She intentionally fought going to bed and intentionally kept her little sister awake.  It took me an hour and a half to get them all to sleep.   So here I am now exhausted.. and Tomorrow I'll start all over again.

Why the melt down... I think I know why.... Lets start with it was a difficult week.  Its been nearly 5 days since we saw Mom .. We were suppose to see her on the weekend but she didn't make it to her visit.  And she didn't call.....

And although they have been disappointed in the past.... Well I try very hard to be the one who does not disappoint them.  I had assured them we would go ... I always follow through.. and this time... it just didn't work out.   And this was a big event.. therefore a big let down. 

One good thing came of it...  it gave me a great opportunity when the 9 year old expressed her frustration to me about her sisters behavior and how it made her feel really mad and She said she just wanted to scream.  I asked her how she thought I might Feel.  I explained how there are lots of times I feel that way.. Like when they are yelling at me or intentionally not cooperating cause they are mad.  But how would they feel if I screamed at them.  I think it was a great moment for her and I.  I was able to talk to her about how I get mad and frustrated too... but that I have to be patient and respond appropriately.   For me I'm an adult so this is all so much easier.. I can look at it and say We All get disappointed....  Its being patient in our disappointment that is the true test of our patience....

Foster Mom VS Mom

I bet most of you out there who are not foster parents have never stopped to think about the difference.  This has been a struggle I have as a foster Mom when I make friends.  We often make friends with those we have similar interests and similar family structure or culture.  As a foster mom I so very often hear people say things or do things that make me take note, pause, and for lack of a better term grieve.

What is it truly like to be the person who isn't really Mom... I hope this gives you a glimpse.

It starts each time I receive a new child.  Each of my children that I have come into my home have a decision to make.. what do I call these new people?  I explain to each of them "I'm the Mommy at our house... and pointing to my Husband "and this is the Daddy" I give them our names as well.  If they are old enough to have a conversation I ask them "What would you like to call us"  I have had most of my kids opt to call me Mom or Aunt.  For the older ones it is always easy to say someone is your Aunt because their friends don't question it.  And for those that are of a different race/ethnicity people just assume I'm the Aunt through Marriage. But the thing is we become foster Mom's because we want to BE Moms... and so each time a child refers to you as something other than Mom...  its that subtle reminder that you are not mom.  When you look at synonyms for Foster they are  raise - cherish - bring up - nurture - nurse - cultivate  So basically I'm doing the Job of Mom.. but I don't get the credit.

Some days that is a harsh reality check. I wake them, bath them, fix their hair, teach them to brush their teeth, take them to school, help them with their homework, take them to appointments and activities, arrange friend time and all sort of other things... .. for the little ones I  change diapers, bandage boo-boo's, stay up with them when they are sick, chase away bad dreams and hold them when they cry.   But when they cry .. not matter what their age...  usually the first thing out of their mouths is "I want my Mommy" and once again its that reminder that you are not Mom... 

Sadly many times we as foster parents know why the tears are there... and it is easy to blame Mom (or Dad)  Especially if they are sad because they are homesick, or  they are sad because their parents didn't make a visit, or didn't keep their promises.  Mostly they are just sad... and Angry.  They are going though a lot because of the situations they are in or that they have come from.  Lets face it most of these kids have had it tough and so they come to us with what we call "cracked foundations" they have not always had the stable environment they needed to grow and learn the skills and confidence other kids have. They come with a lot of fears and sadness.  They have anger issues from everything they are dealing with and a nothing is fair attitude (And lets face it most of what has happened to them SUCKS and is NOT FAIR) The problem with these emotions is these kids are overwhelmed by these emotions and they are going to come bursting out at who ever is there!  So I'm the one who gets to hear "I Hate it Here"  "I want my real Mom"  "I just want to go home"

Many of the kids that come to us have weak immune systems, some don't have their vaccinations, others because they have poor habits .. but mostly because Stress is the #1 threat to our immune system and these poor kids are under A LOT of stress.  Many also have habits that contribute to illness because of stress like biting their fingers/fingernails.  One little girl bit her finger til it bleed and was infected.  Another little boy like to pick his nose when he was nervous.  Sometimes they wander around aimlessly or nervously dragging their hand along surfaces ... this spreads germs quickly.  They don't sleep well on a regular basis, and eating concerns is also very common (again usually from stress)  All this adds up to them getting sick easier... and of course the moment they are sick who is to blame?  That's Right the Foster Parent!  We obviously aren't taking good enough care!

The thing about being the foster parent is that you have someone judging everything you do.  Their real parents... and they have an opinion about Every thing you do.  Being a foster mom is sort of like having to deal with and Ex... But I think worse because even though you have primary custody and day to day responsibility for the child.  They have all the decision making powers.

And There are all sorts of rules about your foster kids.  Furniture in the home must meet specific specs and placed in specific places. They measure how many inches off the floor the bed frame / mattress sits how far apart the beds are.  They measure things like how far away from the window things are. Every little thing you do boils down to whats the rule on that.  All day long you are constantly reminded these are not your kids, filling out extra paperwork for school activities, extra forms at the Dr or if you give them a dosage of Tylenol.  

And Yet you are asked to love them as if they are your very own.  We always try very desperately not to treat any of our foster kids any different.  But the truth is they are different.  I don't know how to sooth them as easily as I do my own daughter.. I don't have the same relationship with them as i do my own because relationships are built over time.  And although I try very hard to build those relationships. To help them feel at home and loved.  The fact is .. this isn't home to them .... and I'm not Mom.

And that's the harshness of it.  All I have ever wanted was to be A Mom...  It is my greatest desire...  And I am reminded by the ugly truths and stories that come with being a foster parent that there are children out there that are not cherished and loved and protected every minute of every day.  These children did not come to me because their parents won an all expense paid vacation... these kids came to me because they were being harmed in some way.. or because the person responsible for protecting them did not.  I pride myself on making being a Mom my most Important responsibility.  And yet I'm the one who's not rewarded, not recognized... I'm the one that feels not good enough because I'm not Mom... 

Questioning....

Do we all do this?  As foster parents is there always that moment when you ask yourself if it is really worth the pain and the heartache.  I hope the answer is yes; because today I find myself re-examining yet again why we're doing this..

I guess the part that bothers me is I never find myself asking myself "Did I do the right thing becoming a mother?"   I have never once doubted that my daughter the best thing that has ever happened to me; but I find myself doubting over and over if I'm doing the right thing for her by being a foster parent.   Over and over again you ask yourself.  That leads to asking... if I have to keep asking myself if this is hurting my family does that mean I am making the wrong decision.

There were many things that brought us to the decision of being foster parents.  I think it started with me.  In my family we have several  relatives that have been foster parents.   Each of them fostered older teen girls.  We have also had friends and family members who were in foster care as children; of course we told ourselves that was so many years ago -- foster care is so different now.   As we talked with those who had been in foster care of children and others who have been involved in the foster care system the answer seemed very clear to me.  That change was needed. But I won't lie... we were also motivated by the fact that we wanted to add to our family and adoption is a difficult and expensive thing.  We didn't want our daughter to grow up with out the opportunity to be a sister.  We had hoped that fostering would teach her compassion, sharing, tolerance, acceptance.  We knew kids would come and go and that it would be hard at times; but I don't think we were prepared for all of this.

Of course we knew it would be difficult... of course the system is broken... but nothing will change if we don't make it change.  Perhaps I'm too much the Optimist; perhaps I thought we could actually make a difference.  When I think of Foster Care I am reminded of the starfish story ... You all know the one.. where the wise older person tells the youngster there are too many... you can't possibly make a difference and the young man replies looking at the star fish... "it made a difference too this one" 

That is what I have kept telling myself... that I am making a difference... at least to this one... what ever child that happens to be that I'm holding at that moment.  But then I look at my family.. I look at my own daughter and say what peril will I allow.. what risks do I take... what harm is done by allowing the negatives that come with fostering.  My daughter is just 7 years old.  It is my job to love her and protect her.  Yes she desperately wants to be a sister... but how do I help her in her grief.  Loss will always be a part of our journey in this life; but am I doing her a disservice?

Perhaps this is too bold... Perhaps it is not politically correct to say some days I question my decision to foster.  But it is the truth.  The Cold Hard Ugly Truth... days like today I am questioning.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” - C.S Lewis

We set out to save the Shire...... And it has been saved -- but not for me

I have waited to post but I still don't know where to begin...    You know we set out to foster to make a difference and hope that some day we would have the opportunity to Adopt.  We have had children come and children go.  And we knew that would be the case.  It has never been easy.  And we never thought it would be.  But I never imagined it would be like this.  It is as if this is all just a bad dream.  Surely this can not be happening.

When we arrived at court there was suppose to be a hearing for the petition to terminate parental rights.  But in a strange turn of events it was announced that there was good news.  After nearly 2 years.  The child's birth mother has now completed her case plan and is ready to request to have her son reunified with her.  This was news to us because just last month the department made  it very clear that they had determined the child's best interests were served by Termination and Adoption.

Because I know all the details of the case (That I desperately wish I could shout to the world the injustice of it all) .. I am outraged and confused.

So after raising this sweet baby boy from birth... after being the only family he has truly ever know.  I will shortly be ordered to turn him over to people he is barely acquainted with.

From a child's Eyes

You know that moment that you wait and wait for... and when it finally arrives it just seems so surreal that you aren't really sure what to think or how to feel...  Right now is that moment!

Tomorrow we will go to court; hoping for an answer that has seemed forever in coming.  Nearly 2 years ago we brought into our home a beautiful little baby boy.  Just a few weeks old at the time we brought him into our home.  We were told we should anticipate having him for about 30 days.  It has been a rough 2 years to be honest.  He has left our home twice for brief periods.  Each time my heart has shattered.  Each time I have wondered if it was the last time I would ever lay eyes on the beautiful baby boy I had grown to love as if he were my own.  It has been a complicated story... Especially for us as Adults.... but I from his point of view I would imagine it went something like this.

I was born into this world in a whirlwind of events.  This new world seems strange and painful to me. Finally one day a woman shows up. She holds me, sings to me, comforts me... she stays with me for hours... and hours turns into days but each night she leaves.... I start to cry all night.  Then finally she stays with me all night comforts me and the next day takes me with her.  She takes me to a place called home.  There are others there they are just as comforting as this woman.  They tend to my every need... I like it here!  I soon learn these people have names.  There is a girl here, referred to as a sister.  The woman is called Mommy and the Man Daddy.  My favorite place to be is on Daddy's chest napping or in the sling that Mommy used to carry me around.  Sister sings to me and feeds me bottles.  

I grow quickly, but I am struggling with some things. Mommy and Daddy and Sister help me.  They take me to doctors, play special games with me. I even have special people that help me.  I hear Mommy say it is early intervention.  I continue to grow and learn and I love my family.  One day when I'm almost a year old Mommy gets a phone call ... she cries. When she talks to Daddy he cries too.  Then they talk to sister and she cries. 

  Soon Mommy and Daddy take me to meet some new people, they look like me but I don't know them.  They visit me a little at first and soon I get to go play with them sometimes for a couple hours.   After a few weeks I go to there house like I usually do.... but when it is time to go... we stay.  That night when I am tired Mommy doesn't put me to bed.  I stay here.  The next day I see Mommy again and get to go home.  But soon a woman comes to pick me up ... she woman they call Case Worker.  She takes me to the people I have been visiting.  I'm not sure what happened.  Mommy was crying and I don't get to go home anymore. 
 
Weeks go by,  I spend time with lots of different people, It never seems to be the same,  I have spent the night different places.  There is a new woman that visits me now.  They call her Mommy but she is not the same as my Mommy.  She visits me a lot. One day they take me to stay with her at her house.   Then a few days later a car with lights comes to where I am.  Everyone is upset.  A woman comes and takes me to a building with lots of other kids.  I don't know anyone here.  

I haven't been at the building long when I hear a voice calling my Name.  She sounds like Mommy.... and.... she looks like mommy..... SHE IS MOMMY! I reach for her and put my face in her neck.  She smells real.  I look up and I realize that is Daddy next to her.  I snuggle into her and then go to Daddy.  They are here!  After a few minutes of talking Mommy and Daddy take me home.  My sister is there and I am so excited to see her!  Things feel really good but something feels uncomfortable.  I'm not sure how all this happened.  It takes me a while to settle in, and I'm not sure when I have to leave again.

 What seems like a while goes by and everything is back to normal.... But then one day Mommy is on the phone.  She is Mad and then cries again. She calls Daddy.. He is Mad too.   A few days later the Case worker comes again and takes me to someone else's house. I have seen her before.  A lot of the people I used to visit are around. That night I don't get to go home again.  Days go by and I don't see my Mommy or Daddy or Sister.  Then one day the case worker comes and takes me again.  When we get back to her office my Daddy and Sister are there and I can finally go home. That was 6 months ago. Everything's back to normal again.  Two times a week I go and visit that Lady that calls herself Mommy.  I get nervous... but Daddy waits for me and takes me home after we play for a while. 

That is his story for now... But tomorrow we go to court.  How do I prepare my family if things don't go the way we hope at court.  What if tomorrow we see more tears.  How will I explain to my daughter if it is decided he has to leave yet again? But my biggest fear....   What will he be thinking?

In the Beginning....

I think the hardest part of writing anything is knowing where to begin.  In my story there seems to be no defined beginning. And So I have no idea where to start.  Perhaps that is the question that has truly kept me from doing this in the past. Or perhaps it was the fear... of sharing my inner most thoughts... Or maybe its the stigma that comes with trying to maintain confidentiality and your sanity all at the same time...  But the simple truth is this is the hardest thing I have ever done...

My husband and I became Foster Parents nearly 2 & 1/2 year ago... Even starting there seems odd to me.  That was certainly not the beginning of our Journey.  There were so many things that brought us to be there.  And I find that true with almost anyone who takes the journey to become a foster / adoptive parent.  There is always a history... a story of how you came to be there sitting in that chair learning more about how to foster and adopt.  Each story is unique and yet has the same basic premise.  Each parent is reaching... reaching for something that they aren't even quite sure of yet.  Reaching for that child that they know is out there somewhere.  The one that needs them.

As I create this blog I hope it starts a discussion, I hope it inspires someone.... if no one else than I hope it inspires me.  Part of my hope is that it will help me feel less alone is my struggles and help give me some clarity of thought and a way to reach out.  It will help me to gather my thoughts at the end of a hard day... and hopefully help me find a little bit of peace so that tomorrow.. I can begin again.