Learning to Dance in the Rain

It has been just over 7 months since I last posted.   I have looked at this blog many times in those 7 months.  I have thought about it... What would I say? How would I say it?  And Although I have been living my life fairly well ... going on ....  Looking back and facing the Harsh Reality that my biggest fear the one that always lingered in the back of my mind as worst case scenario became the truth that I never wanted to face. The truth is I lost my Son ... this little person I brought home... I loved...  was his near constant companion and he mine.... I loved him more than life itself.... I loved him as if he was truly mine and the harshest reality is he was never truly mine.

So much has happened in the past 7 months.  I mentioned in my last post that all the kids were leaving... even my daughter went on Vacation.  The silence in the house was so loud I could barely stand it at times.  We went back and forth about if we would continue.  Was it time to give up our dream of growing our family.  Was the damage we had sustained to much to repair? And then I thought of the kids that we foster.  Were they damaged beyond repair.  I would never think that of them... the circumstances that bring them to us are not their fault.  They are innocent of wrong doing.  They are victims of the actions of others.  They were damaged yes.... troubled in their hearts.  There is nothing that I can give or say or do to erase that.  But I would never say that it wasn't worth trying to give them some peace ... some hope... I can not change the past for them... I can not change the past for me and my family.  I can only decide how It defines me now.  And So we took another placement. 1st an infant boy... Thought to be a possible Adoptive placement that turned quickly into an ICPC (interstate transfer)... and So we wait for his transfer which takes approx. 6 months. 

Then a few months ago we decided to look at an older sibling set.   I have a special place in my heart for older kids who face the possibility of being split up. We received the call about a set of sisters the older 16 almost 17 and a little sister who was 9.   Most foster homes who take Elementary school age kids are not open to High School Teens; and so the girls Attorney had spoken with the older girl and asked if she would be willing to separate from her sister in order to give her a better chance at finding a good foster home. (They had been allowed to live with a friend but that hadn't worked out and the girls had to be suddenly brought into the Shelter)  At first my natural reaction was that of most... Ooooh.. Probably not a teen. But I couldn't get them off my mind and I was glad I started asking all the right questions. These girls had been through enough ... they didn't need to be separated too.  And so they came to be with us. In the past few months they have definitely challenged us.. But many of you will be surprised to know it is the 9 year old that is our challenge. 

Lastly when they thought the transfer was almost done(they estimated this back in November) they called us with a new infant placement.  A 3 month old girl.  The case plan indicates it "may" lead towards adoption.  The family has some special needs and a supervisor at the Department who knew me thought we would be a great match. This placement is going well and here we are in January and the transfer still isn't done so we are busier than ever with 2 babies until the 1st little boy leaves.  Now they are saying next month (they think)!

And so my house is full .... and my life is full... I wish I could say that my heart is full too... But there is an emptiness that still lingers.  I miss him... I miss him every minute of every day... But I have prayed for peace and it has come.  It doesn't take a way the fact that I miss him.  With time it has gotten easier... But I will forever be different.   I honestly don't really know what I'm doing yet!  I am just continuing what I know.  I know that there are children who are out there...  Feeling lost ... and Scared and Unsure.   I know what it is like to feel those things.  I do not know if I am doing all the right things.  My daughter is still grieving her brother and we talk lots about him... but she loves having all these girls around too.  Its a tricky Balancing act.   But for Now I am following my heart.  I am doing the best I can.  I am moving forward because I believe my son would not have wanted me to quit and sit around in a quiet empty lonely house.  And So I fill it with children.... and I am giving all the love I wish I could give to him to them because I hope somewhere .. someone is loving him just as much as I would.

I have spent many hours thinking of him ... I have cried the tears of a mother.  I have been Angry.. I have been Sad.... I have been overwhelmed by the flood of emotions.  But there is one thing I always knew and that was I could not let it consume me or let the loss define who I was.. and So  I made an important decision... There is no way to control the Storms that will come...So you just have to learn to Dance in the Rain.

Life with Girls

I realized I wrote this  over 2 years ago  and I never published it  ..... the infant boy never left and we adopted him  I have so much catching up to do  but I'm not sure that will ever happen so I think I better just start from today  and try and move forward

An infant boy who's mother declared her intent to put him up for adoption.  He was placed in an adoptive home through an agency; but she never signed the paperwork and the little boy had to come into foster care. He was with us only a week when we found out he had a half sibling in another state with relatives (of the brother)  They had expressed an interest in the baby but no decisions had been made.   A couple weeks later the Judge approved them to start the process of and interstate adoption plan.  6 months later we are still waiting for that process to be complete. And so I have fostered and loved a little boy who will never be mine.   The difference is this time I was prepared.  I have had the amazing opportunity to work with the family out of state who is raising the brother.  They are not related biologically to this little one but they are related to his brother. They have raised him for the past nearly 8 years and have done a wonderful Job.  It helps that they are very appreciative of the efforts we have given.  They are excited to include us as "extended family" and have become wonderful friends. We text, we call, we Skype, we have even had the opportunity to visit.   We are working together to try and co parent this little one while we await the transfer and I hope he will benefit because of it.  We are even planning a trip next Summer to attend his 1st birthday party.

I know only a little bit of what these girls were exposed to or suffered... and it was enough.  I'm not sure I want to know the details.  The older girl has chosen No contact with her Mother and has No desire to return.  The case plan lasts until after her 18th birthday and So she will become and Adult here in foster care and then move on to independence. 

Our teen daughter told me one day "Every day I wake up here I pray that this isn't just a dream and that this is all real... My life is so much better now... But then I realize that My Mom probably wakes up everyday and prays that this is all just a bad dream ... and it make me feel Sad"   She recognizes and talks to us about how unfair it all is... that these bad things never should have happened.  She is sad that No one ever came to save her before... and she is glad to finally be in a place where she says she feels safe and has Hope.   She is learning to be a Teen and is a good one.  She is making good friends, making good decisions and learning how to do "school"  Although she is technically a Junior she had only 4 high school classes she had completed (about 1/2 a semesters worth)   But we have her enrolled in one of the best High Schools around and she is doing well.  She passed all her classes this semester and we have a plan to get her graduated.