It has been 6 days since I lost my son.....
It all seems so strange... It doesn't quite make sense. I packed up his things he would be taking with him... What do I send? They don't seem really that interested in things from us. I sent his favorite toys in a box. His rocking horse and basketball hoop where the large items.... A box of clothes, the last of the package of diapers, His toothbrush. That was the Sum of it.. Two boxes ... representing the first two years of his life. Even packing them I seemed confused about what to send. I was loosing my son.. most likely to never lay eyes on him again. They stated they had everything they needed but I could send what ever I wanted.. It just doesn't make any sense... I didn't bother doing laundry.. I sent what was clean. I kept anything of extreme sentimental value or anything he had outgrown on the rare chance there might be another baby in our future.. But right now that just seems .... hopeless.
That morning we had our other foster kids say their good byes and had made arrangements for an activity with one of their workers.. after which they headed off to their Grandma's for a weekend visit. I wanted it to just be us when we had to actually do it.
We loaded everything up the back of our SUV and took him to the meeting location... His grandfather was there along with his biological Mom. They were quick to load his things quickly. Then is Grandfather shook our hands... I had already begun to cry silent tears. My Son was quiet but didn't seem distressed. To him I'm sure it was just like any other time we had met for a quick exchange. He had No idea this was Good bye.
The rest of the day we tried to keep busy. We bought our daughter a new fish as one was found dead in the tank that day... we snuggled and watched a movie, The next day we spent the day together. Just us and our daughter.. We went swimming, took a nap, went the the movies. And just like that we were back to usual. I took a nap and cleaned the house... after school I picked up my daughter and our foster kids and off to appointments.. the never ending appointments that come with being a foster mom. The next couple days were like that.. Jammed full of every day living. I had closed his bedroom door and shut off the Vent (for the A/C) I let the kids know it was off limits.
And then it happened. It was day #4 .... My two oldest were at their PSR appointment and I needed to pick up their sister from day care. I took my daughter with me. When we got there and headed down the Hall my daughter ran over to My son's classroom door and peeked in... Come on Sweetie lets go I prompted her. She immediately joined me across the hall to pick up her foster sister. After we signed her out we headed out the door and I turned towards the front of the building taking just a few steps before I realized my daughter had ran back to his classroom door. Hand on her hip head tilted back she laughed "Mommy!... Don't forget about brother!" She almost taunted me as if I were being silly for having forgotten to pick him up too.... I froze in my footsteps .. I didn't know what to say at first. "Sweet Heart... " I think the look on my face helped her realize and Her face Fell.. then she looked up at me for confirmation "we don't have brother anymore" I quietly reminded her. She put her head down again almost in tears "I forgot" she whispered and started to quietly cry. I quickly whisked them out to the car wondering if any of the workers had heard. She was quiet all the way home. I didn't know what to say. Once we were home the craziness of the house full of kids and homework and workers and hurrying to get off to a school even took over.
I think I know where she's at... Right now I'm just going through the motions... Just 3 more days of school... If I can just make it til the End of school with out loosing it. Then Vacation starts.. My Other foster kids are being prepared for a relative placement as soon as school is out and it is all coordinated.. Then we'll send my daughter Away to a month long vacation with Grandma's and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins to keep her busy busy... Hoping it will be enough to give her time to adjust to Not having a brother around.
And then the house will be completely Empty
“All we have left is his room, his stories, and the quiet that has settled in as
we try in vain to spread ourselves out and fill the space he's left
behind.”
Modified from ―
Sarah Dessen,
Dreamland
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Shock and Anger
I haven't posted in a while because I was still in the shock and denial phase of my grief. It wasn't real yet... But it has become so real so fast. I'm not sure at time if I will be crushed by the weight of it all.
I am going to be very direct in this post.. I may be a bit harsh.. but for those of us who have been cursed enough to study time and time again the stages of grief we know that Anger follows shock and I self analyze myself even now in the midst of my greatest loss.
Over two years ago we were asked to foster a beautiful baby boy.. We were told he wouldn't stay long... He was drug exposed and would need some special care but he and his mother would be going to a treatment program together. But then she was gone. So for a year we raised him, loved him and we were even asked to adopt him... Until, at the 11th hour a relative came forward... There were some very grave concerns and legal battle ensued. My husband and I tried to get him his own atty but he was too young and so we spent our life savings hiring one ourselves and we eventually won "placement" of him. Basically the Judge ordering the child was to stay with us until his case was complete. Which we had been told of course his plan was to terminate Mom's rights and have us adopt. But during this legal battle the family had gone out and found Mom. And so at age 14 months he started a relationship with his Mother. He spent just a couple hours a week playing with her at a center. And just month ago the Department dropped a Bomb.. Mom has made such great progress in the past couple months we are ready to give the baby back to her.
This sweet innocent little boy who has struggled because of her decision to abuse drugs will now be returned to her. A woman with whom he is only acquainted. She is not a bad woman. She has worked very hard. She has made some life changes. And I do believe she loves him dearly. But that does not mean that tearing this little boy away from the only family he has ever known .. the only sister he has ever known.. the only home he has ever known is in his best interest. I know all the details.. It angers me..
As A Mom I try very hard to make good decisions for my family. I am not perfect but I think I'm a pretty good Mom... The mistakes I have made pale in comparison to the choices she has made.. and yet in the end it wasn't enough. Why is it that Mothers who harm their children are given every last chance... and Mothers who sacrifice and are there to pick up the pieces are the ones left to attempt to pick up the pieces of their own shattered hearts in the end. It just doesn't seem fair, or right in any way. But it will be this precious little boy who will truly loose in the End. I hope and Pray that Child Welfare is right.. that she has changed enough and that she will love him and protect him as I would have. I hope and pray for his sake that this doesn't scar him or cause him any regression. I hope and pray for God to watch over my son.
"A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.” ― Rachel Sontag
I am going to be very direct in this post.. I may be a bit harsh.. but for those of us who have been cursed enough to study time and time again the stages of grief we know that Anger follows shock and I self analyze myself even now in the midst of my greatest loss.
Over two years ago we were asked to foster a beautiful baby boy.. We were told he wouldn't stay long... He was drug exposed and would need some special care but he and his mother would be going to a treatment program together. But then she was gone. So for a year we raised him, loved him and we were even asked to adopt him... Until, at the 11th hour a relative came forward... There were some very grave concerns and legal battle ensued. My husband and I tried to get him his own atty but he was too young and so we spent our life savings hiring one ourselves and we eventually won "placement" of him. Basically the Judge ordering the child was to stay with us until his case was complete. Which we had been told of course his plan was to terminate Mom's rights and have us adopt. But during this legal battle the family had gone out and found Mom. And so at age 14 months he started a relationship with his Mother. He spent just a couple hours a week playing with her at a center. And just month ago the Department dropped a Bomb.. Mom has made such great progress in the past couple months we are ready to give the baby back to her.
This sweet innocent little boy who has struggled because of her decision to abuse drugs will now be returned to her. A woman with whom he is only acquainted. She is not a bad woman. She has worked very hard. She has made some life changes. And I do believe she loves him dearly. But that does not mean that tearing this little boy away from the only family he has ever known .. the only sister he has ever known.. the only home he has ever known is in his best interest. I know all the details.. It angers me..
As A Mom I try very hard to make good decisions for my family. I am not perfect but I think I'm a pretty good Mom... The mistakes I have made pale in comparison to the choices she has made.. and yet in the end it wasn't enough. Why is it that Mothers who harm their children are given every last chance... and Mothers who sacrifice and are there to pick up the pieces are the ones left to attempt to pick up the pieces of their own shattered hearts in the end. It just doesn't seem fair, or right in any way. But it will be this precious little boy who will truly loose in the End. I hope and Pray that Child Welfare is right.. that she has changed enough and that she will love him and protect him as I would have. I hope and pray for his sake that this doesn't scar him or cause him any regression. I hope and pray for God to watch over my son.
"A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.” ― Rachel Sontag
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