Day 6

It has been 6 days since I lost my son.....

It all seems so strange... It doesn't quite make sense.  I packed up his things he would be taking with him... What do I send?  They don't seem really that interested in things from us. I sent his favorite toys in a box.  His rocking horse and basketball hoop where the large items.... A box of clothes, the last of the package of diapers, His toothbrush.  That was the Sum of it.. Two boxes ... representing the first two years of his life.   Even packing them I seemed confused about what to send.  I was loosing my son.. most likely to never lay eyes on him again.  They stated they had everything they needed but I could send what ever I wanted..   It just doesn't make any sense... I didn't bother doing laundry.. I sent what was clean.  I kept anything of extreme sentimental value or anything he had outgrown on the rare chance there might be another baby in our future.. But right now that just seems .... hopeless. 

That morning we had our other foster kids say their good byes and had made arrangements for an activity with one of their workers.. after which they headed off to their Grandma's for a weekend visit. I wanted it to just be us when we had to actually do it.

 We loaded everything up the back of our SUV and took him to the meeting location... His grandfather was there along with his biological Mom.  They were quick to load his things quickly.  Then is Grandfather shook our hands... I had already begun to cry silent tears.  My Son was quiet but didn't seem distressed.  To him I'm sure it was just like any other time we had met for a quick exchange.  He had No idea this was Good bye.

The rest of the day we tried to keep busy.  We bought our daughter a new fish as one was found dead in the tank that day... we snuggled and watched a movie, The next day we spent the day together. Just us and our daughter.. We went swimming, took a nap, went the the movies.  And just like that we were back to usual.  I took a nap and cleaned the house... after school I picked up my daughter and our foster kids and off to appointments.. the never ending appointments that come with being a foster mom.  The next couple days were like that.. Jammed full of every day living.  I had closed his bedroom door and shut off the Vent (for the A/C) I let the kids know it was off limits.

And then it happened.  It was day #4 ....  My two oldest were at their PSR appointment and I needed to pick up their sister from day care. I took my daughter with me.  When we got there and headed down the Hall my daughter ran over to My son's classroom door and peeked in... Come on Sweetie lets go I prompted her.  She immediately joined me across the hall to pick up her foster sister.  After we signed her out we headed out the door and I turned towards the front of the building taking just a few steps before I realized my daughter had ran back to his classroom door.  Hand on her hip head tilted back she laughed "Mommy!... Don't forget about brother!" She almost taunted me as if I were being silly for having forgotten to pick him up too....  I froze in my footsteps .. I didn't know what to say at first.  "Sweet Heart... "  I think the look on my face helped her realize and Her face Fell.. then she looked up at me for confirmation "we don't have brother anymore" I quietly reminded her.  She put her head down again almost in tears "I forgot" she whispered and started to quietly cry.  I quickly whisked them out to the car wondering if any of the workers had heard.  She was quiet all the way home. I didn't know what to say.  Once we were home the craziness of the house full of kids and homework and workers and hurrying to get off to a school even took over. 

I think I know where she's at...  Right now I'm just going through the motions... Just 3 more days of school... If I can just make it til the End of school with out loosing it.  Then Vacation starts.. My Other foster kids are being prepared for a relative placement as soon as school is out and it is all coordinated.. Then we'll send my daughter Away to a month long vacation with Grandma's and Aunts, Uncles and Cousins to keep her busy busy... Hoping it will be enough to give her time to adjust to Not having a brother around. 

And then the house will be completely Empty

“All we have left is his room, his stories, and the quiet that has settled in as we try in vain to spread ourselves out and fill the space he's left behind.”

 Modified from ― Sarah Dessen, Dreamland