I bet most of you out there who are not foster parents have never stopped to think about the difference. This has been a struggle I have as a foster Mom when I make friends. We often make friends with those we have similar interests and similar family structure or culture. As a foster mom I so very often hear people say things or do things that make me take note, pause, and for lack of a better term grieve.
What is it truly like to be the person who isn't really Mom... I hope this gives you a glimpse.
It starts each time I receive a new child. Each of my children that I have come into my home have a decision to make.. what do I call these new people? I explain to each of them "I'm the Mommy at our house... and pointing to my Husband "and this is the Daddy" I give them our names as well. If they are old enough to have a conversation I ask them "What would you like to call us" I have had most of my kids opt to call me Mom or Aunt. For the older ones it is always easy to say someone is your Aunt because their friends don't question it. And for those that are of a different race/ethnicity people just assume I'm the Aunt through Marriage. But the thing is we become foster Mom's because we want to BE Moms... and so each time a child refers to you as something other than Mom... its that subtle reminder that you are not mom. When you look at synonyms for Foster they are raise - cherish - bring up - nurture - nurse - cultivate So basically I'm doing the Job of Mom.. but I don't get the credit.
Some days that is a harsh reality check. I wake them, bath them, fix their hair, teach them to brush their teeth, take them to school, help them with their homework, take them to appointments and activities, arrange friend time and all sort of other things... .. for the little ones I change diapers, bandage boo-boo's, stay up with them when they are sick, chase away bad dreams and hold them when they cry. But when they cry .. not matter what their age... usually the first thing out of their mouths is "I want my Mommy" and once again its that reminder that you are not Mom...
Sadly many times we as foster parents know why the tears are there... and it is easy to blame Mom (or Dad) Especially if they are sad because they are homesick, or they are sad because their parents didn't make a visit, or didn't keep their promises. Mostly they are just sad... and Angry. They are going though a lot because of the situations they are in or that they have come from. Lets face it most of these kids have had it tough and so they come to us with what we call "cracked foundations" they have not always had the stable environment they needed to grow and learn the skills and confidence other kids have. They come with a lot of fears and sadness. They have anger issues from everything they are dealing with and a nothing is fair attitude (And lets face it most of what has happened to them SUCKS and is NOT FAIR) The problem with these emotions is these kids are overwhelmed by these emotions and they are going to come bursting out at who ever is there! So I'm the one who gets to hear "I Hate it Here" "I want my real Mom" "I just want to go home"
Many of the kids that come to us have weak immune systems, some don't have their vaccinations, others because they have poor habits .. but mostly because Stress is the #1 threat to our immune system and these poor kids are under A LOT of stress. Many also have habits that contribute to illness because of stress like biting their fingers/fingernails. One little girl bit her finger til it bleed and was infected. Another little boy like to pick his nose when he was nervous. Sometimes they wander around aimlessly or nervously dragging their hand along surfaces ... this spreads germs quickly. They don't sleep well on a regular basis, and eating concerns is also very common (again usually from stress) All this adds up to them getting sick easier... and of course the moment they are sick who is to blame? That's Right the Foster Parent! We obviously aren't taking good enough care!
The thing about being the foster parent is that you have someone judging everything you do. Their real parents... and they have an opinion about Every thing you do. Being a foster mom is sort of like having to deal with and Ex... But I think worse because even though you have primary custody and day to day responsibility for the child. They have all the decision making powers.
And There are all sorts of rules about your foster kids. Furniture in the home must meet specific specs and placed in specific
places. They measure how many inches off the floor the bed frame /
mattress sits how far apart the beds are. They measure things like how far away from the window
things are. Every little thing you do boils down to whats the rule on that. All day long you are constantly reminded these are not your kids, filling out extra paperwork for school activities, extra forms at the Dr or if you give them a dosage of Tylenol.
And Yet you are asked to love them as if they are your very own. We always try very desperately not to treat any of our foster kids any different. But the truth is they are different. I don't know how to sooth them as easily as I do my own daughter.. I don't have the same relationship with them as i do my own because relationships are built over time. And although I try very hard to build those relationships. To help them feel at home and loved. The fact is .. this isn't home to them .... and I'm not Mom.
And that's the harshness of it. All I have ever wanted was to be A Mom... It is my greatest desire... And I am reminded by the ugly truths and stories that come with being a foster parent that there are children out there that are not cherished and loved and protected every minute of every day. These children did not come to me because their parents won an all expense paid vacation... these kids came to me because they were being harmed in some way.. or because the person responsible for protecting them did not. I pride myself on making being a Mom my most Important responsibility. And yet I'm the one who's not rewarded, not recognized... I'm the one that feels not good enough because I'm not Mom...
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