Do we all do this? As foster parents is there always that moment when you ask yourself if it is really worth the pain and the heartache. I hope the answer is yes; because today I find myself re-examining yet again why we're doing this..
I guess the part that bothers me is I never find myself asking myself "Did I do the right thing becoming a mother?" I have never once doubted that my daughter the best thing that has ever happened to me; but I find myself doubting over and over if I'm doing the right thing for her by being a foster parent. Over and over again you ask yourself. That leads to asking... if I have to keep asking myself if this is hurting my family does that mean I am making the wrong decision.
There were many things that brought us to the decision of being foster parents. I think it started with me. In my family we have several relatives that have been foster parents. Each of them fostered older teen girls. We have also had friends and family members who were in foster care as children; of course we told ourselves that was so many years ago -- foster care is so different now. As we talked with those who had been in foster care of children and others who have been involved in the foster care system the answer seemed very clear to me. That change was needed. But I won't lie... we were also motivated by the fact that we wanted to add to our family and adoption is a difficult and expensive thing. We didn't want our daughter to grow up with out the opportunity to be a sister. We had hoped that fostering would teach her compassion, sharing, tolerance, acceptance. We knew kids would come and go and that it would be hard at times; but I don't think we were prepared for all of this.
Of course we knew it would be difficult... of course the system is broken... but nothing will change if we don't make it change. Perhaps I'm too much the Optimist; perhaps I thought we could actually make a difference. When I think of Foster Care I am reminded of the starfish story ... You all know the one.. where the wise older person tells the youngster there are too many... you can't possibly make a difference and the young man replies looking at the star fish... "it made a difference too this one"
That is what I have kept telling myself... that I am making a difference... at least to this one... what ever child that happens to be that I'm holding at that moment. But then I look at my family.. I look at my own daughter and say what peril will I allow.. what risks do I take... what harm is done by allowing the negatives that come with fostering. My daughter is just 7 years old. It is my job to love her and protect her. Yes she desperately wants to be a sister... but how do I help her in her grief. Loss will always be a part of our journey in this life; but am I doing her a disservice?
Perhaps this is too bold... Perhaps it is not politically correct to say some days I question my decision to foster. But it is the truth. The Cold Hard Ugly Truth... days like today I am questioning.
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