Disappointments and Meltdowns

What is it like dealing with Kids who have trust and attachment issues... Its Like This...

My daughter was crying, the 4 year old was crying, the 2 year old was crying and the 9 year old was yelling at her 7 year old sister to "JUST STOP IT"  .... I tried to reassure my daughter,  She is just not being nice because she is mad I told her.  As I said this the 7 year old screamed at me at the top of her lungs   "I'm never going to be nice to you again;  I hate you!"  This was following a tirade of things like "It's not fair" and " I hate you" "I just want to kill myself" and "I just want to go home"

And it all happened at our local yogurt place! Yep that's right! In public.  

You might be wondering what on Earth could have prompted such a meltdown!  Something terrible must have happened!... Well it goes like this.  As a Foster Mom I try very hard to make sure I don't make commitments that I can't keep.  It's funny as this whole thing started unraveling my husband was telling me "they are just going to have to learn that things don't always work out and they don't always get to do what they want"   As I think back on that statement I realize and as I analyze it here it goes like this.

I'm pretty sure that things not working out.. not getting what they want... and being disappointed has been a staple for these kids.  I'm pretty sure each if the foster kids I've had didn't want to be abused or neglected... I have watched as parents have not shown up for visits or not contacted for days / weeks / even months.  Some times it is a simple thing.  Like telling them they will bring them something specific next time they visit, and it just doesn't quite happen...  Or Even just promising they will come to the next visit, and then they have to cancel.   Yes it is true that things  happen.... It is true that circumstances beyond our control sometimes take over and disrupt our best laid plans.   But when it happens again and again... it is hard for these kids to believe that it will be OK... For this reason I always try to make sure I don't promise anything I can't delver... Even the small Stuff..   But that is what happened to us tonight.

It has been on the calendar for a couple weeks (which to a child is a very long time)  A Big Surprise followed by a special school event... We had a very full day scheduled and so the kids made sure to have their homework done already ... I could tell they were very excited about our big plans.  We rushed of to their therapy appointment and we were to meet up for a special Surprise afterwards which was a special dinner... But I was already running late when I got word from my husband the car had mysteriously stopped working... it was DEAD and they were stranded!  So instead we rushed off to get him jumped. (it was the alternator) We arrived to dinner late and  By the time dinner was over I kept watching the clock and realizing time was running out!  My husband had disappeared and I was flustered trying to get the kids to listen to me that it was time to get ready to go  But Alas... time had slipped away and they car was Dead Again ... and realizing it would be up to me to attempt to take all 5 of them by myself to the school event  it didn't take long before I realized that this was just not going to work.  And so It came time to discuss with my husband.. who also was very frustrated by the days events and tell the kids.

I knew the announcement that we would not be attending the school event was going to go over like a ton of bricks... I too was very disappointed and frustrated to not be able to attend the event.  The kids were already loaded in the car expecting to head to the event... Now I would have to tell them instead we would be headed home to get ready for bed and Daddy would have to stay behind to repair the car.

"I knew it everything is ruined" came the response from the 9 year old.  Crying from the 7 year olds and the 4 year old repeating anything she could catch... I stepped out of the car  not sure I could handle the complaining in my frustrated state (I needed a time out).  My husband in his frustration laid down the law... No complaining, No crying and throwing fits.  Cooperate and be good or there would be big consequences.  Of course that is the Dad Approach and as soon as I got in the car with them it started again .. crying "but Mommy we really wanted to go"   There was a great deal of disappointment as I knew there would be.. I tried to listen and be patient with it. I told them I knew they were disappointed.. I was mad and sad too.  I really wanted to go but that it just wasn't going to work out.  The even was more than 60 % over.  I also told them this would not be our only opportunity to participate in fun events. I even suggested we could do the activity another day it just wouldn't be at the school event.    I tried to ask each child how they were feeling... and I tried to validate.  I offered that perhaps there was something we could do instead to help us feel just a little better.  Maybe on they way home we could stop for an ice cream cone.  A couple of the kids liked this idea but the 7 year old was adamant.  NO Nothing will make me feel better. She pouted.. I don't want ice cream.   Ok... you don't have to have an ice cream. This caused some concern from the other kids .. they wanted to jump to her defense.. that's not fair.  We all finally agreed on a frozen yogurt place  (they'd been asking to go for weeks) and everyone finally seemed to be on board.

At the yogurt place the kids were excited.. I attempted to help each child make their selections but the 7 year old was lagging.. she couldn't decide.. she was watching what everyone else was selecting.  She finally started.  I quickly went to assist and saw that she was taking larger portions and trying to take everything everyone else had used.  I tried to explain we need to just pick a couple or if we are going to take more selections then just a little of each.  This didn't seem to sink in and after a couple of selection I had to stop her.  As with many frozen yogurts this was a by the oz.  Most of our Yogurts came out to about 6 oz.  The 9 year old's was close to 8.  But Even with me stopping the 7 year old after just two yogurt selections and two candy selections her's was over 12... and of course this was not Fair.  The other kids had sprinkles and more than 2 types of candy toppings. But she had decided on 3 scoops of the one topping and a large scoop of gummies to top it off!  I explained that she had more than the others and it was more than enough. Fine I don't want it She screamed at me.. And then She stormed off.

I let her go and thought she would calm down after a few minutes and be ready to eat her concoction.  I invited her several times "Are you ready to come join us?"  "would you like to come sit by me and snuggle for a minute, I bet you'd feel better"  "I'd really like you to come over here with us"  Each attempt was met with resistance.... it usually only takes her a few minutes to calm down and then I usually get an apology and she joins us in our activities; But tonight  She was not only off to the side by herself in another seating area about 10 feet away but making quite the scene crying and commenting to no one in particular.  I tried not to pay attention to those around us hoping No one was really paying attention to us.   By this time most of the other kids were almost finished or finishing up And So I got a to-go lid, Closed up her ice cream.  Seeing this just seemed to fuel her.  "I was about to come eat that she told me."  I explained her opportunity had passed and it was time to go.  And that brings us back to the beginning.. "I HATE YOU" "YOUR MEAN"  Luckily it was mostly just the crying that was inside the store.. we had made it to the Parking lot when the screaming started.

I reassured her I loved her and reminded her "Even when we are mad we still love each other" and we loaded up and I headed home as quickly as possible.  By the time we got home she was ready to apologize but I again had to explain her opportunity to eat the ice cream had passed.. so She became angry again.. No screaming this time but  She intentionally fought going to bed and intentionally kept her little sister awake.  It took me an hour and a half to get them all to sleep.   So here I am now exhausted.. and Tomorrow I'll start all over again.

Why the melt down... I think I know why.... Lets start with it was a difficult week.  Its been nearly 5 days since we saw Mom .. We were suppose to see her on the weekend but she didn't make it to her visit.  And she didn't call.....

And although they have been disappointed in the past.... Well I try very hard to be the one who does not disappoint them.  I had assured them we would go ... I always follow through.. and this time... it just didn't work out.   And this was a big event.. therefore a big let down. 

One good thing came of it...  it gave me a great opportunity when the 9 year old expressed her frustration to me about her sisters behavior and how it made her feel really mad and She said she just wanted to scream.  I asked her how she thought I might Feel.  I explained how there are lots of times I feel that way.. Like when they are yelling at me or intentionally not cooperating cause they are mad.  But how would they feel if I screamed at them.  I think it was a great moment for her and I.  I was able to talk to her about how I get mad and frustrated too... but that I have to be patient and respond appropriately.   For me I'm an adult so this is all so much easier.. I can look at it and say We All get disappointed....  Its being patient in our disappointment that is the true test of our patience....