Shock and Anger

I haven't posted in a while because I was still in the shock and denial phase of my grief.  It wasn't real yet... But it has become so real so fast.  I'm not sure at time if I will be crushed by the weight of it all.

I am going to be very direct in this post.. I may be a bit harsh.. but for those of us who have been cursed enough to study time and time again the stages of grief we know that Anger follows shock and I self analyze myself even now in the midst of my greatest loss. 

Over two years ago we were asked to foster a beautiful baby boy.. We were told he wouldn't stay long... He was drug exposed and would need some special care but he and his mother would be going to a treatment program together. But then she was gone.  So for a year we raised him, loved him and we were even asked to adopt him... Until, at the 11th hour a relative came forward...  There were some very grave concerns and legal battle ensued.  My husband and I tried to get him his own atty but he was too young and so we spent our life savings hiring one ourselves and we eventually won "placement" of  him.  Basically the Judge ordering the child was to stay with us until his case was complete.  Which we had been told of course his plan was to terminate Mom's rights and have us adopt.  But during this legal battle the family had gone out and found Mom.  And so at age 14 months he started a relationship with his Mother.  He spent just a couple hours a week playing with her at a center.  And just month ago the Department dropped a Bomb..  Mom has made such great progress in the past couple months we are ready to give the baby back to her.

This sweet innocent little boy who has struggled because of her decision to abuse drugs will now be returned to her.  A woman with whom he is only acquainted.   She is not a bad woman.  She has worked very hard. She has made some life changes.  And I do believe she loves him dearly.   But that does not mean that tearing this little boy away from the only family he has ever known .. the only sister he has ever known.. the only home he has ever known is in his best interest.   I know all the details.. It angers me..

As A Mom I try very hard to make good decisions for my family.  I am not perfect but I think I'm a pretty good Mom... The mistakes I have made pale in comparison to the choices she has made.. and yet in the end it wasn't enough.   Why is it that Mothers who harm their children are given every last chance... and Mothers who sacrifice and are there to pick up the pieces are the ones left to attempt to pick up the pieces of their own shattered hearts in the end.  It just doesn't seem fair, or right in any way.  But it will be this precious little boy who will truly loose in the End.  I hope and Pray that Child Welfare is right.. that she has changed enough and that she will love him and protect him as I would have.  I hope and pray for his sake that this doesn't scar him or cause him any regression.  I hope and pray for God to watch over my son.

"A void in my chest was beginning to fill with anger. Quiet, defeated anger that guaranteed me the right to my hurt, that believed no one could possibly understand that hurt.”   ― Rachel Sontag